LaDawn Black, author of Stripped Bare: The 12 Truths that will Help You Land the Very Best Black Man and host of Baltimore’s top-rated radio relationship show, The Love Zone on 92Q (92.3 FM), never shies away from the heavy issues. Here, she shares her views on infidelity with rolling out. –zondra hughes
What’s happening in the new school of infidelity?
What’s happening is that men and women are both cheating at the same rate, and we’re becoming irresponsible about AIDS and other STDs and our responsibilities to our families. In the past, people would cheat, but they were very clear that they were going back home. But, now, it seems that people are getting comfortable, and, now, kids [“love children”] are popping up.
What are some tell-tale signs of infidelity — before there’s a “love child?”
One of the clear signs is a change in patterns. They’re working out, they’re wearing different lingerie, they smell better. But, sometimes, you have to look for the more concrete changes: One, you had a husband that came home every evening, and, now, he doesn’t. Two, you had a wife who called you different times during the day, and, now, she doesn’t. Three, is that person withdrawing from you? Are you finding out new things about their lives weeks later? Are they not sharing their feelings and opinions with you anymore? Usually, that’s a sign that they have someone else to share with. Four, and the final tip to figure out if infidelity is going on, is basic. Has the bedroom activity changed? It once was regular, and, now, it’s not. You used to do it one way, and, now, you don’t.
Better sex also can be an indicator of infidelity. So, can a cheating episode improve a relationship?
Some people have said that the person was able to get those fantasies out, and it actually improved their sex life. It can improve the relationship in two ways: The person comes back with a renewed appreciation for what they had at home or, if it’s a situation where a person has these fantasies, these desires, and they’ve worked that situation out. Afterward, they come home and say, “Look, that’s not what I want. Let’s try this,” and it actually improved the relationship.
Why do women cheat?
Women will cheat because there’s something missing at home. It may be that, “He’s not emotionally connected to me. He doesn’t listen to me. He doesn’t see me for the woman that I am today.” Women really do cheat because something is missing at home.
Why do men cheat?
Men are not the same. Men cheat because they can. Their cheating is opportunity-based. A man will tell you that, “My wife is beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with our sex life,” but just because that opportunity popped up at that particular time, he said, “Yes.”
Finally, and most problematic for romantics, is that the relationship experts say there’s nothing you can do to prevent infidelity in your relationship. Is that true?
Honestly, there’s nothing you can do because it’s really not your choice. You can be beautiful; you can be handsome. You could be swinging from chandeliers with poles in your bedroom. You could be terribly attentive. If a person really wants to do that, they’re going to do that, no matter what you do.