Men Say ‘I Love You’ First; Why?

Men Say 'I Love You' First; Why?

As much as it is widely believed that men cringe at hearing the words “I love you”, they say it first more than two thirds of the time in a relationship.


The June issue of Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers caution that their motivations for sharing their feelings are different than a woman’s motivations.


Yah, no kidding.

Here’s another cultural zinger: while men consider saying “I love you” a full six weeks before their partners, they are also more likely to enjoy hearing those words if they haven’t yet had sex. On the other hand, women are more likely to enjoy hearing “I love you” if sex already has occurred.


What accounts for this gender disparity?

It could come down to our biological cues. While men are programmed to spread their seed far and wide, women are programmed to select a fit and suitable mate.

For early humans, achieving and surviving a pregnancy wasn’t easy, and neither was caring for a young child while dealing with the dangers of the wild. A woman with a newborn baby needed a partner to help provide and protect the child, and so it didn’t behoove her to have many partners. Instead, she chose only the fittest, most able mates who could be certain to help protect her and the newborn child. Men, on the other hand, didn’t have to worry about the dangers of pregnancy, so casual sex came with little to no risk.

Thousands of years later, these cues might still dictate our social behaviors. Some men might realize that professing their love will make a woman more likely to engage in sex with them, so they confess their emotions to illustrate their commitment and “seal the deal.” Meanwhile, women see sex as part of a bigger picture (i.e., a commitment to fidelity and monogamy), and this is why they crave those three little words after the act.

In other words, he offers intimacy because he wants sex, and she offers sex because she wants intimacy.

These disparate needs can complicate long-term relationships. Men often require sex to feel intimate with their partner, while women require just the opposite. When the sex isn’t there, he stops showing affection, which in turn makes her want to have less sex. It’s a vicious cycle and a good example of why it is so important for couples to communicate their needs.

terry shropshire

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