I have been answering advice emails for 18 years and, hands down, the biggest complaint that I get from both women and men is about how bored they are in bed. While it is totally possible that the other party may shelter some of the blame, I have noticed that most of the people doing the complaining are not doing anything but that. They want their partners to be more open, more experimental, more creative, and more connected to their needs. Here is the thing: most of them have not expressed any of that to the other people; just to me. Most have not gone out and purchased sex toys, role-playing outfits, or initiated any of the freaky stuff they want to do. Some of them have been married for decades and act like they have suddenly had an epiphany of sorts.
Then there are all the emotional hang-ups that prevent people from having great sex. Here is the short list:
1. Body image: when a person feels like their body is not up-to-par. They prefer to keep the lights off, stay under the covers, and don’t want to participate in certain positions that may not show off their physique in the most positive light. I have had actresses and actors on my sets deal with this and we went to great lengths to mask stretch marks, breast augmentation scars, and bad skin. While that may be a legitimate concern on screen when millions of people will ultimately see your naked body, when there are only two people in the bed who chose to be there, it should not matter. If a person has decided to be your lover, they have already accepted your looks. No one chained them to the bed or forced them to have sex with you. If you are not happy with your body, work on it, but don’t inhibit the action in the bedroom because of it. Walk around naked with the lights on a few times, take showers and baths together, and put it all out there. Be as comfortable around them in the nude as you are alone.
2. Worrying about your skill level: This is a big one. People are often concerned about how they measure up to someone’s past lovers. The keyword is “past.” For whatever the reason, they have moved on and have now decided to share themselves with you. If you think that you may need to be doing something different, based on their reactions or lack of reactions, ask them what they like. What turns one person on might turn the next one off. Growing together can be a beautiful thing. Do what you know how to do and grow into the rest together. Consider what you did with others practice and consider the present the championship game.
3. Lack of communication: This is an even bigger one. In fact, this is the biggest. Too many people refuse to tell their lovers what they want in bed, even if they are married. No one is a psychic. You have to speak up. Don’t sit there waiting for them to make the first move and go to bed with a frown on your face. Your mate is supposed to be your best friend and there should be nothing that cannot be discussed. They don’t have to agree to everything you want but at least put it out there. The same goes for you. They can suggest something that you are not feeling and you have every right to say no. But there can’t be any progress without discussion. If you can’t say it to their face, for some reason beyond my comprehension, tell them on the phone. I am not an advocate for text messages and emails when it comes to romance but if that is your thing, speak up that way. But, dammit, speak up!
4. Religious hang-ups: A lot of people feel that they are going straight to hell if they have sex outside of marriage. On the flip side, a lot of people may not ever marry in their lifetimes. So where does that leave them? With hot asses and stressful existences for 60-80 years? Most will cave and have sex, then repent. That does not diminish the guilt that they feel after doing it, though. All I can say is that you need to make a choice, and that is one only you can make. However, if you do have sex, you might as well make it count. The sin does not get greater based on the level and frequency. Lying there like a board is no less of a sin than riding a man in the reverse cowgirl position or giving and receiving oral sex.
5. Feeling used: a lot of people feel like they are being used for sex. That is often the case but it is generally obvious. Now there are the “wolves in sheep’s clothing” who intentionally make someone feel like they care in order to get them in the bed. For the most part, however, unless someone has been misleading, and up and until there is a committed relationship, both people should be using each other for sex to some degree. This goes back to the communication thing. Have a discussion about what the parameters are and what the expectations are of one another. Most people will be open and honest and if it does not work for you, move on. Don’t be a willing participant and then blame them later. I have gotten many emails from women who were told the truth from jump but felt that sex would make the man change his mind. I always tell them that they need to respect their honesty and accept it or walk away. There is always a choice.
6. Worrying about being judged: Many married people have affairs because they don’t want their spouses to think badly about them. Some married women cheat because they want to give blowjobs, believe it or not. And some married men cheat because they want to have their prostates played with. It happens all the time. If someone emails me about their man desiring their anus to be played with, the proverbial you know what always hits the proverbial fan. The assumption is that the men have to be gay, bisexual, or out of their damn minds. The married women want to hum on someone’s microphone but their husbands believe wives don’t do such things. Yet, the same men will go out and pay prostitutes to do that exact thing, or get side chicks to do it. Sad times but nothing new. People need to be transparent about what they want in bed before the commitment.
7. Regarding sex as a chore: One of my books is called Missionary No More for a reason. Too many women relate sex to a “duty” or a “chore” that must be handled in order to obtain the remaining parts of a relationship, or “situationship.” I have always said that if women are going to have sex, we might as well enjoy it; especially if we are going to engage in it several times a week or month. That is a ridiculous thought process but many women lie there watching the digital clock, timing how long it takes their men to get finished so they can go watch a reality show, or go to sleep. Make sex fun, actually participate, and you might actually have a good time.
Great sex begins and ends in the mind. Our lovers cannot be good in bed if we are mediocre. Stop complaining, stop stressing, stop assuming, and put the time and effort needed into making sex better. Even if you feel like you have already earned the right to wave your freak flag, take it to the next level. Repetition is not cute. If you feel you have sexual hangups, are too inhibited, or feel sexually oppressed, change it. Victory begins with you!