We know Dr. Heavenly Kimes as a beautiful and successful dentist from Bravo’s “Married to Medicine.” But as a woman who’s been married for nearly 20 years to Dr. Damon Kimes, she also gives amazing advice on marriage, dating, love and sex.
Dr. Heavenly enjoys providing her expertise to men and women in Atlanta to help mend relationships and marriages in the community. She holds conferences, such as this weekend’s “Heaven Help Us,” in which she spoke about all things love-related.
We spoke to Dr. Heavenly recently about how long to withhold sex, whether or not cheating is a deal-breaker, and more.
Why do you do relationship conferences?
A lot of women are looking for a good man, but we need to know how to treat them and how to be a wife. So, I focus on wife schooling — how to be a woman, inspire your husband, uplift him, and have him do the same for you, all through prayer and spirituality. Seventy-five to 85 percent of marriages end because of finances, so we have to talk about that. It’s difficult for a powerful woman to be married to a man who’s not making as much money. [The conferences] talk about those things, and just personal development. You have to be whole before you have someone.
You mentioned women who make more than their men. How should women deal with that situation?
In society, African American women are leading in education, so we have to uplift [the men]. I had a friend who helped her man get his master’s degree. I don’t know where the disconnect is, but we have to push forward. A man has to be man in the relationship. I think the relationship could work if the woman would just be quiet and let him be the man, but oftentimes the women tear their men down about not making enough money.
What are your most frequently asked questions?
Most women ask me how to find a good man. That’s why I developed a dating app called PiQ to help women see that they’re out there. But you have to be whole first. I wrote a book about it called The Business of Love, and basically the same principals work in business as they do in love. You have to have a vision. I encourage women to make a vision board about what they want in a man, and then meditate and pray about it.
Did you have a vision board? Did you receive the kind of man you envisioned?
Absolutely. Everything I had on my vision board, I got. And when I saw my husband, I knew it was him.
Do you think sometimes women’s expectations for what they want in a man are too high?
Well, you can’t get what you’re not giving, but if you’re giving it, you should expect to have someone who’s educated, successful, looks nice, god-fearing, and has a good character. And sometimes you may need to help the man along if you see the potential there.
How can married couples keep their marriage intact through challenges?
It’s an individual thing. There are definitely deal-breakers in marriage, but there are traditional roles. I’ve read that arranged marriages have a greater chance of lasting than if you find your own mate. I know this is 2016, but if you go away from those traditional roles and not allow a man to be a man, that will be your downfall. And you have to make a commitment. Sometimes my husband and I don’t get along, but I made a vow in front of God, and you have to take that seriously. It’s not an emotion, it’s a decision to stay married. If you’re praying together and working toward your marriage and doing what you’re supposed to do as a wife and husband, you’ll have a successful marriage. Also, you have to have a solid foundation, and I think that foundation is friendship, after God.
When it comes to sex, a lot of men these days say that it is unrealistic to wait until marriage, let alone waiting for a few months. Is it unrealistic for a woman to expect a man to wait for sex?
You should wait. Did I? Probably not. But [based on the Bible], you should wait. I think a man will wait on the right woman. Wait at least three to six months. Start the relationship with a solid foundation.
What is the most valuable thing you have learned in your marriage?
Controlling your tongue. That tongue is worse than a gun, and the things you shoot out of it can’t be taken back. It can leave wounds that will stay there for a long time. In a heated situation, we say a lot of things we can’t take back that will hurt a man to his core.
A lot of celebrity men have been having babies outside of their marriage. Is an outside baby a deal-breaker for a marriage?
These things happen. If a man is cheating on you over and over and disrespecting you, you have to leave. However, sometimes these men become weak and make a mistake. If you made a vow in front of God and the person made a mistake and they show true remorse, they’ve learned a lesson and they’re not doing it over again, then I think there’s room for forgiveness sometimes. I would not say that in every situation you should leave because the man is unfaithful.
For more on Dr. Heavenly Kimes and her conferences, visit www.drheavenly.com.