Learning to love again after a hard breakup or heartbreak

Photo Credit: Nakita Nicci
Photo credit: Nakita Nicci for Steed Media Service

How did you get here, Mr. Right? Just when you think you are over that last breakup or divorce, the perfect mate walks into your life and leaves you faced with a some very hard questions.

Are you ready to pursue this relationship? Is it too soon? What if I pass on this person, will I ever get another shot? 

So months later, you are in this great relationship and you notice character traits or red flags about your mate that make you want to run for the nearest highway in the opposite direction.

Not only is this behavior unfair to the other party involved, you are giving your ex more power than you realize. This does not always mean you are still stuck on your ex or you should not move forward with finding happiness, so remember; it was never intended for any of us to live in bondage.

The first thing you have to do is release and forgive: Forgive that person who hurt you. This does not necessarily warrant contact with the other person but you must release whatever is hindering your emotions and preventing you from giving your potential soul mate a fair shot. This can be as simple as letting go of all of the bad memories you are holding within and the best and most effective way of doing this is acceptance in your heart. Accept what happened and let it go! Even if the breakup was your fault, forgive yourself.

The next thing you have to do is see your new mate as just that — your new mate: With me, everyone starts off with an A+ in my book, you earn an F. Now that you have released that negative energy from your previous relationship, you should be able to see your mate in a new light and a clean slate.

Thirdly ask yourself, are you really ready?: The truth is hurt people, hurt people. Don’t hurt an innocent person just because someone hurt you or you are hurting.

The last thing is to ask yourself what falling in love means: It has two components: Part one: How the other person makes you feel about yourself. Part two: How you feel about the other person.

These two parts are inextricably bound together, and, as a matter of fact, part two follows from part one. Here’s why:

The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving. The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.

So what feeling you get when you are falling in love? You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Many people can try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. Only someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special and wonderful can offer this level of validation.

So if you have a perfect mate and you are really ready to pursue that forever type of love, check yourself first before you miss out on a chance to truly find that one or push them away.

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