Dear Terry and Christal,
I’ve been with my lady a few years now. When we first met and started dating, our sex life was exciting and consistent, but now that we are in a committed relationship, it’s not. I feel like she tricked me into a relationship. I have never cheated or anything, but I’m not happy at all with the way things are. What should I do?
Terry: I completely understand why you feel played. This is a very common situation and a big reason why a lot of men do not want to get into committed relationships. It’s normal for a couple’s sex life to decline from how it was when they initially became sexually involved. But it should be something that is consistent enough that it keeps both people satisfied. In your situation, there are really only four courses of action that you can take:
1. You can try to communicate your frustration to her again, perhaps in a different format. Maybe a long email where you pour your heart out about the situation would be more effective than trying to discuss it verbally.
2. You can leave the relationship due to your dissatisfaction.
3. You can cheat and get your sexual needs met elsewhere.
4. You can continue to be unhappy and hope things will change. Ultimately, you’re going to have to decide if you want to leave or stay.
Christal: Men and women have very different triggers for sexual intimacy. Many times, when couples first meet, they are both doing everything in their power to impress and entice the other. You mentioned sex was better when you first started dating. That could suggest that your routine has changed. When a man takes a woman out on a date and compliments her and gives her his undivided attention, that makes her feel sexy and often results in her being motivated to initiate or, at least, respond to sexual advances. Before becoming frustrated with your partner, try treating her the way you did when you first met. It’s also important for men to voice their likes and dislikes with their partner as it relates to intimacy. Talk to your lady about what you like inside the bedroom and include the frequency that you feel would create a healthy sex life. In order for anyone to fulfill your needs, they have to have a clear understanding of your expectations.
Terry and Christal’s tips to avoid this issue:
Before entering into a monogamous relationship, couples should discuss their sexual expectations along with their preferences, including likes and dislikes.
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You can follow relationship expert Terry Deron at @terryderon and rolling out relationship editor Christal Jordan at @enchantedpr.