10. DON’T bring one little ole lonely pan of biscuits to the dinner and then take away five plates of everything else for the rest of the week. This is a recession holiday and Big Mama will be supervising, so please don’t be greedy and make her bring out the big, wooden spoon.
9. DO spend some time getting to know that “crazy” relative (and don’t pretend like you don’t have any, every family has at least one) ask them about their day; ask them WHO they are today … have the voices stopped? Show some interest, you may find you have something in common.
8. DON’T bring your entire entourage to dinner; let your friends be with THEIR family on Thanksgiving. If you can’t bear to be without yo’mans’& nem’ for a day, hook up later at IHOP or somethin’…
7. DON’T wear your most fly-est, freak-‘em-at-the-club gear if you know you’re on cleanup crew! Nobody cares if you get gravy stains on your brand new Prada boots while cooking or cleaning in the no-Prada zone.
6. DO keep an eye on (and if necessary) beat your own kids if they can’t act right (or don’t get mad if somebody else does) if the annual talk in the car ride about misbehavior doesn’t work … trust me, a little public humiliation will!
5. DON’T participate in the “Secret Santa” name pull if you know you are either too broke or too cheap to match the minimum amount! Someone’s gonna know that you really bought your gift at the Dollar Store, and then Big Mama will have to intervene and give your gift to your Uncle’s “special” friend.
4. DON’T flirt with your cousin’s man. Yeah, everybody knows they’re on-again-off-again, but unless you want a Jerry Springer moment up in the house, find something else in common … other than the both of y’all hooking up with Dee-bo.
3. DON’T play paparazzi and “YouTube” any embarrassingly cute moments of your lil’ nieces and nephews dancing. Everyone with a computer is sick of the same video of a little baby in diapers dancin’ like Beyoncé … or frankly anybody else dancin’ like Beyoncé that ain’t Beyoncé! Keep the home videos for home and save the footage of your little niece’s interpretation of the “Stanky Legg” for next year’s gathering.
2. DO keep an eye out on the nephew home from another stint in prison and the wino uncle who can’t hold his liquor. In fact, if you need to stage an intervention … the good news is everybody’s already there!
… and the No. 1 Do or Don’t For Thanksgiving at Big Mama’s House is
(drum roll please)
1. DO be grateful for whatever food you are eating and the family you are doing it with. Some people don’t have family or can’t be with them; so no matter how much your relatives get on your last one-good-nerve … suck it up! As for the food, everybody can’t be Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray rolled into one. So even if you’re tired of eating your auntie’s macaroni and cheese with the Kraft slices … OR now that you’ve converted to Islam you can’t stand the smell of chitlins’ and ham hocks anymore, remember you could be having what Bernie Madoff, John Edwards and Kwame Kilpatrick are all eating this year — crow!
Enjoy your holidays!
–written & illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
