10. Remember ladies it’s not about who you “sex,” or how many you sex BUT getting your “private” sex tape strategically leaked on TV. (Courtesy of Kim Kardashian “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and Paris Hilton of “The Simple Life”) Well, it doesn’t get any more “Candid Camera” than this, but what’s one little, ol’ internationally publicized romp-in-the-hay if your whole family gets to be stars, huh? Just make sure they get your good side!
9. A smart woman ALWAYS uses extra hard adhesive on her lace front wig just in case ya’ gotta’ slap-a-b—–. (Courtesy of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”) Ladies you just never know when you might be caught off guard so even if your left hook and jab aren’t strong, just make sure your wig glue is!
8. Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend but gay men make better accessories than a diamond-encrusted Rolex. (Courtesy of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”) After seeing what hanging out with fellow head-diva-in-charge Dwight did for NeNe Leake’s status, everyone had to have one! From openly gay and diva-licious hairstylist Derek J, to some folks I suspect are on the down low that show has seen more Queens than Buckingham Palace … FAB-U-LOUS!
7. Life’s a b—-, but playing one on TV can make a b—-’s life quite rewarding. (Courtesy of Omarosa from “The Apprentice.”) Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth became an African American history first as the first REAL sistah b—- on television! Sure everyone hates her and she makes Dianna Ross seem like Mother Teresa but if you can impress Donald Trump, everyone else can eat a used diaper while you work your 15 minutes of fame into a round-the-clock career!
6. Repeat after me fellas: You’re never too ugly or too small to get beautiful women, as long as your crib is big enough ... (Courtesy of “Flavor-of-Love,” “Real Chance Of Love,” “Rock Of Love” and “For The Love Of Ray J.”) Never have so many wannabes and fading stars owed so much to one, skinny, ugly hypeman from a ‘90s hip-hop group! Do the words “Baby don’t worry about my size, my rented house is GINORMOUS!” come to mind; they should if you are veggin’ out to ANY of these shows! You may shake your head but somewhere in L.A. is a chick with “Stallionaire” still tattooed on her body just so she could live in the big house. (Oh, our ancestors would be so proud!)
5. Nothing’s more entertaining for poor people than watching snotty, stuck-up chicks slumming it without their credit cards to back them up. (Courtesy of the “Simple Life” and “New York Goes To Work.”) I don’t know what was worse, watching real-life heiress Paris Hilton and former BFF Nicole Richie insult hard-working but unsophisticated country bumpkins OR nobody-turned-reality TV star Tiffany “New York” Pollard insult hard-working people and act like she’s been living it up her whole life! Somehow during a national recession, these shows don’t seem to appeal so much … I guess it’s “NOT” hot after all.
4. If you’re a cute Latina or Asian chick with a heavy accent and tendency to murder the English language, take heart, there’s a bright career ahead of you yet! (Courtesy of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” “Charm School” and “Real Chance of Love.”) Americans just love laughing at the mispronunciations and stereotypical behavior from so-called foreigners, which is really funny considering many of our own homegrown citizens can’t speak a lick of the language they were born into.
3. If you seem to be having trouble getting your point across while at dinner, slam a table with food and drinks on everyone … maybe THEN they will hear you:
(Courtesy of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”) I admit, I never watched their show but like most pop culture, I was vaguely familiar with it. I did see enough of the table throwing scene between these REAL life “Soprano” mob-wives to know that the chick who wrote the tell-all book may not be back next season … or *Gulp,* EVER!
2. If someone is standing in your way … rally your friends and vote them out!
(Courtesy of “Survivor,” “The Apprentice” and “The Biggest Loser”) Ahh, if only this worked in REAL life! Ohh, that’s right it does … it’s called Corporate America!
… And the No. 1 “Gem Of Wisdom” REALITY TV HAS TAUGHT US is (drum roll please) Who needs talent or brains, when you have a hot body and a catchphrase!
We are truly living in the “Big Brother” future Andy Warhol predicted: Who needs a hit song when millions will watch you taking a crap on the toilet, and just because your last movie bombed or your latest CD didn’t even go aluminum, it doesn’t mean you can’t make a comeback!! Nowadays from has-been celebs to never-heard-of wannabes ANYONE can have their own reality TV series and the rest of us will watch … until we are offered our own!
–written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
