** Please note, these are not actual quotes from Pat Robertson, nor are these projects and organizations real, it’s merely conjecture about how he might respond to certain ideas and situations. In other words, it’s strictly satire folks.
10. “Project Haitian-Elevation”
The Agenda: Emergency aid for the citizens of Haiti by providing food, drinking water, medical supplies, shelter and reconstruction fund.
Reason for Rejecting: “Fasting is good for the soul, besides if those folks had simply worked with the French instead of ol’ “you-know-who,” they’d be eating croissants and French toast right now instead of stealing … which is a sin … NEXT!
9. “The Big Easy Building Fund”
The Agenda: Continuing where FEMA, the Red Cross and other organizations left off, houses are to be built in the 9th Ward of New Orleans for the remaining homeless families during the tragic flood of 2005.
Reason for Rejecting: “People lived off the land in the Bible, why should these folks be any different or why didn’t they simply come in from the storm? They were probably too busy: boozing, bumpin’ and grindin’ and baby butchering … which are all sins … yep, too busy to even notice … NEXT!
8. “WTC Awareness Day and Silent Art Auction”
The Agenda: An annual commemorative art show in honor of the World Trade Center victims of the horrific Sept. 11 terrorist attacks; all proceeds will be donated to the memorial fund.
Reason for Rejecting: “ Awareness Day?”… It’s too late to be aware now, if the people in that city had been more aware of their hell-bound ways … and being hell-bound is a sin … those bearded menaces would have realized who the REAL co-pilot in charge was and simply landed on the roof! Besides, I have enough art in my house … and on velvet too!
7. “G.L.A.A.D. 4 KIDS Inc.”
The Agenda: An extension of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation organization, “GLAAD 4 kids” is working to help gay youth deal effectively with discrimination and harassment.
Reason for Rejecting: “Train up a child in the way he should go, NOT train him to join any groups of freaky sexual perversion that wear sissy clothing and tight leather! My lawd, my flesh is burning hot just thinking about something so
‘sin-hellacious’ … And no, not THAT way, either … NEXT! … NEXT! … NEXT!
6. ”Muslim Moms for Islam” Group
The Agenda: A nonprofit organization that offers support, day care services and career training for today’s modern Muslima.
Reason for Rejecting: “Well, since we all know Islam is not a religion but a “violence training camp,” I can’t imagine Adam’s rib being forced to wear those long, drabby, curtains they dress in all day… unless those gals are holding some kind of weapon of mass destruction (which is a sin) underneath all that material … the kids probably carry guns too, they’re not fooling me … NEXT!
5. “The Party- With- a- Purpose- To-Bring- Peace-To-the-Middle-East” Alliance.
The Agenda : Followers of the Tzipi Livni’s “Kadima” party and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s “Likud” party connect to bring peace to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, finally.
Reason for Rejecting: “I don’t know anything about either party…(any kind of partying gives me a headache so I don’t indulge) but they BOTH need to watch WHERE they party on the CREATOR’S land before they end up with a stroke like Ariel Sharon … and although I enjoyed him just like I enjoy vegetables, the two should not mix as one … which as you know by now is a sin, NEXT!
4. “FAWU Inc.” (Feminist and Africana Womanist Collaboration)
The Agenda: The honorable Dr. Makeda of the African womanist movement and the ladies of the Womyn’s Domynion feminist assoc. unite to take on global misogyny, discrimination and under-wire bras.
Reason for Rejecting: “I’m all for unity amongst these gals; White and Black and whatever uniting to discuss their feminine problems; just so long as they don’t go out dancing with each other and kissing each other and before you know it they wanna’ divorce and nobody’s cooking dinner for you … which isn’t a sin … but it ought to be!
3. “The Future Scientists Of Tomorrow Scholarship Fund”
The Agenda : To provide grants and scholarships to underprivileged whiz-kids in the areas of science. The fund will provide $10,000 special scholarships towards work discrediting The “Intelligent Design-Creationism” theories.
Reason for Rejecting: “HELL-NO … er, um I mean… NO way would I support any ungrateful egg-head project that considers primates to be our ancestors! Those geeks can call themselves a monkey’s uncle…BUT I know who my people are and I have the white robe and hat to prove it. … REJECT … NEXT!!!
2. The ACLU Annual Fundraiser
The Agenda: The American Civil Liberties Union raises monies to continue defending and preserving the individual rights and liberties guaranteed to every person.
Reason for Rejecting: “Why would I support “The problem???” Everybody doesn’t deserve to keep their rights just like everybody doesn’t deserve to go to heaven … If it were me, I’d run that organization like I would run heaven, by the book … The ONLY book that matters … THE 700 CLUB MANUAL!
1. “Citizens For Chavez Collective”
The Agenda: Supporters of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez’s model of participatory democracy believe that the people should be in power, striving to create opportunities for all members of a political group including the dirt-poor ones to contribute to decision-making.
Reason for Rejecting: “Tsk-tsk … “The Poor” don’t need to be troubled with politics, dictators like Chavez only confuse the poor which leads to chaos which leads to the dark side of the force which ultimately leads to death. If Chavez is advocating death maybe we should accommodate him and “get it over with”… which is a sin as well … unless necessary … er, usually … um, NEXT! –written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
