Physical attraction is a powerful thing. We’ve all felt it before; the heat rises from deep within and courses through our bodies like mercury in a hot thermometer. But fortunately we have our intellect — and for some of us, our conscience — that tempers our response to those animalistic desires. That said, what is it that makes some men submit to those desires, better known as lust, when they’re aware of how much they have to lose?
In the news, we hear about indiscretion after indiscretion, whether labeled adultery due to a legal marriage or simply a breach of a spoken commitment, causing men from all walks of life to lose everything from careers to families. From presidents to athletes, from preachers to teachers, scores of men have risked it all for “the hook up.” Though the answer may never be crystal clear, here are some possible reasons — accompanied by solutions — that men sometimes choose sex over better judgment:
1. Novelty – Relationships of any respectable duration tend to enter the zone of the mundane. Phermones become a thing of the past and phenyl ethylamine (chemical that generates that “loving feeling”) seeps out, leaving nothing thrilling to cling to. So, when something novel comes along, despite it being forbidden, things start waking up, including the “sleeping giant,” and out the window goes logic.
Solution: Keep it new. Don’t give him a chance to desire something fresh. If you have to swing from the track lighting (chandeliers are a bit dated), make it happen to avoid the drama of cheating. Ask him what he wants — and within reason and your moral boundaries — supply it; you’ll dramatically reduce the chances of “the breach.”
2. Fundamental Disbelief in Monogamy – Some individuals find themselves in relationships, but have an underlying fundamental disbelief in the merits of monogamy. People that fall in this category cite Bible stories of condoned polygamy, toss around the idea of swinging, or joke around at times about inviting a third party into the bedroom. The other partner may not be into it and takes the innuendo as a joke, but at some point the joke manifests as reality and “pop goes the weasel.”
Solution: Listen to every word a man says and don’t marry or date him, unless you, too, are into free love. I don’t endorse it at all, even when both parties agree, but at least you know what you’re in for if you do.
3. Fantasy Fulfillment – It’s not uncommon for a man to have unrealized fantasies. Those fantasies may involve sexual behaviors that could be perceived as too over-the-top for the “steady,” so they lay dormant until the right “wrong” opportunity presents itself and “hi, hoe, hi, hoe it’s out of my mind I go …”
Solution: Communicate with your man and get him to reveal his fantasies to you. If some ARE too outlandish for you, work out some sort of compromise. This way, you at least sap his private thoughts of their strength, possibly avoiding the explosion of repressed desires being manifested suddenly and disastrously.
4. Ego – Some men simply like to be stroked, no pun intended. They receive gratification from being wanted; let’s them know they still “got it.” So, when a woman comes along that’s sexually attractive and she’s giving him the wagon without the naggin’, he’s likely to lose it.
Solution: Practice building your mate up on a regular basis. There are other ways to get what you want done without nagging and battering your man. Tell him how great he is — and hopefully, you believe that since you chose him — and he will likely oblige you in whatever you desire of him. If he gets it at home, he’s less likely to venture out.
5. The Foolish Pro – Some women feel men are cheaters by nature but most feel they’d get caught, so they refrain. Well, not the foolish pro. He, too, feels it’s his nature to cheat, and as long as he doesn’t get caught, it’s OK. He forgets, though, that women are natural born detectives, sniffing out everything from tracks in the carpet to unfamiliar scents on scrubbed clean skin. This guy is a self-proclaimed pro for a short while, till his lady sniffs him out or his jump-off freaks out and blows his cover.
Solution: Best to not connect with a fool in the first place. Being as sharp as you generally are, pay attention to the slip ups and such in the beginning and head for the hills once noticed. He will always try to challenge your intelligence, so one-up him and shut him down, completely, because it won’t change.
6. The Vulnerability Factor – Some men build walls at home and don’t discuss the things that are of deep importance or concern because they fear it will make them appear weak or will be used against them later. A neutral party will be viewed as a non-judgmental ear and sometimes that lent ear can turn into a lent something else. “I needed someone to talk to …,” he’ll exclaim.
Solution: Communicate, communicate, communicate, but without the judgment. Be a friend to your man and hear him without imposing your wishes or desires. If he has your ear without consequences, the net result will be in your favor. Listen and be patient, knowing you’re working toward a greater good.
7. Physical Attractiveness Default – When he met you, you were his type. Whether big small, short or tall, he was attracted to you. Now, you’ve changed dramatically. He’s turned off, doesn’t say it for fear of hurting your feelings, and just goes out to reclaim “his type.” You’ve defaulted on that part of the agreement. Sure you didn’t know it existed, but the end result is just the same.
Solution: At least try to maintain some semblance of who you were when he met you. We all age and expand, but there ARE ways to prevent gross distortion, short of some medical condition. If you realize you’ve added a room onto the house, at least let him know you’re working to downsize. If you were a girly girl when you met him and now you’re a jersey wearing road dawg, spend more time on yourself and watch him watch you more. The point is, don’t venture too far from what drew him to you, besides, that may encourage him to keep himself in order as well.
8. Drug or Alcohol-Induced Tryst – Probably the most relied upon reason of the bunch. He likes to have a good time and can sometimes go overboard with it. The drinks are flowing or the drugs are accessible and he just goes for it, in the name of good fun. In his altered state, of course, his decision-making is grossly distorted and “wham, bam, thank you ma’am!” the nearest woman with a pulse is in his arms.
Solution: Drug and alcohol counseling first, and together, because overindulgence to the point of not knowing what you’re doing is a sign of deeper issues. For the casual drinker (drugs not withstanding), he needs to have you by his side at social functions where there’s access. You may say, “but he likes to hang with the boys,” to which I’d say, “well, there are obviously girls there too and you can be one of them if you become a true friend to your man.” If he wants to escape you to be around others, there’s something amiss at home and it could be your approach to him. Learn about him and compliment him, without dragging him through the mud to get where you want him to go. He’ll be prone to spend more time with you and his slightly altered state will lead to a score for you vs. the other woman.
So, in most cases, what we’re dealing with is temporary insanity brought on by preventable causes, short of those that are common to the indisputable jerk — and you’ve learned what to do in those cases. The consequences of being emotionally insane can be just as devastating as being mentally insane, in my humble opinion, which sheds a faint light on how a stupid decision can be made by well-intentioned men. I’m no expert; I’m just a man. Handle your business. –gerald radford
