YOUR WEEKLY TOP 10 PRESENTS …
10. Kanye West snatches the Oscar for Best Movie: Avatar out of James Cameron’s hand claiming, ”No disrespect but E.T. was the best alien ever,” only to be quickly silenced by the Terminator, another one of Cameron’s creations and his personal bodyguard ever since.
9. Lady Gaga has a wardrobe malfunction on the red carpet revealing that she’s not only a dude but actually Dennis Rodman, who has been in drag the whole time. (Wow, that Rick Baker is amazing!) Not surprising, he-she remains poker-faced the entire time.
8. Not to be undone by her former lover or the latest hot, young ingénue, Madonna takes the red-carpet-fashion game to another level by arriving completely naked. Sadly, her botox injections and anti-wrinkle cream have worn off, prompting several onlookers to ask, “Why didn’t Madonna iron her dress?”
7. After exchanging harsh words in interviews for over a year, Spike Lee finally decides to squash his beef with Tyler Perry and turn his hate on director Lee Daniels for both stealing part of his name and being nominated for best director without the use of drag queens, casting himself in any of the roles, relentless product-promotion and the obvious absence of cosmetics on the set!
6. The animated feature The Princess and the Frog takes home an Academy Award, unfortunately it’s for best “Human-to-Amphibian-Transformation” infuriating the African American community again, thus Kermit the Frog is asked to accept the Oscar on behalf of the cast. Disney execs are happy, but Mickey Mouse couldn’t be reached for comment.
5. During the annual tribute montage of the Hollywood deceased, a very alive and very angry Lisa Bonet is honored among the dearly departed and is hoppin’ mad only to discover shortly thereafter they were honoring those with a dead movie CAREER …
(Also included were Larenz Tate, Ray Liotta, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Arsenio Hall … a third-time honoree.)
4. Finally exercising his platinum VIP — “black card” rights, President Obama demands a national recount and after a tallying up the votes, Jennifer Hudson is declared the “American Idol” instead of Fantasia and Jennifer’s Oscar is given to Angela Bassett … (the way it should be) it’s a win-win for everybody! (Except Fantasia’s family, who will actually have to work for a living now.)
3. Morgan Freeman wins his second Oscar for his role in Invictus and brings the real Nelson Mandela on stage to accept the Academy Award with him. To add to the triumphant moment, President Obama uses his VIP black card again to convince Mandela to “drop-squad” Tavis Smiley and take him back to South Africa with him for deprogramming … indefinitely.
2. Dick Cheney receives a lifetime achievement award for years and years of playing Darth Vader, (unbeknownst to the public and at times sans costume) a lil’ something he and George Lucas cooked up for world domination.
In the ultimate snub of the evening, Flavor Flav is not recognized for his equally outstanding day-to-day performance as “Jar-Jar Binks.”
- It’s a landslide: With nominees of color in almost every major category.
(Including Avatar if you consider our blue-brethren-from-another-galaxy)
African Americans win BIG (literally): Mo’Nique’ for Best Supporting Actress and Gabourey Sidibe for Best Actress, Lee Daniels for Best Director and Morgan Freeman for Best Actor … even if they lose, this was a record-breaking year!
As a final salute to black trailblazers, Mo’Nique’s “Big-Girl” dancers close the show (and … um, the buffet table) and give little black girls everywhere yet another hero to look up to!
–written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
