10. Howard Stern: (Why He’s Full of It)… No one with a radio or a TV set should be surprised by shock-jock Stern’s on-air antics by now; he’s highly paid to throw shade at everyone. However, when hawk-nosed Howie took aim at Gabourey Sidibe, (the zaftig and zealous star of Precious) cruelly calling her out on her weight and lack of career options, he was not only unnecessarily nasty, but loud and wrong! Aside from her Oscar-nominated actress swag, Gabby has already scored her next movie deal, a recurring role on a TV show, and best of all, she’s got “The O” in her corner … that’s better than half the salad-eatin’ actresses in Tinseltown alone; so get your facts straight the next time you aim that hater-dust!
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level Five) I suspect Howard’s REAL reason for attacking Gabby was for ratings. I say shake him ‘til that ‘Jheri-Curl-for-White-Guys he’s been rockin’ for three decades runs out of activator. Then give him a hug — attention-whores need love, too.
9. Robin Quivers: (Why She’s Full of It) … As Howard’s longtime co-host and string-less puppet, Robin could have spoken up as a formerly full-figured sista herself instead of chiming in on the Gabby-bashing. I get that Ms. Quivers has a job to do, but she’s no more scripted than Stern and should have her own opinion … (although I suspect she signed over her rights to voice it along with her ‘hood-pass and ability to buy a decent bra).
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 9) Robin committed high treason: crimes against her own kind and needs to be shaken until that nauseating nasal voice of hers gets it’s ethnicity back … or do we need to start the race-trade negations now?
8. John Mayer: (Why He’s Full of It) … Rock stars are a pretty self-indulgent group as it is, but John Mayer’s career-crucifying behavior makes Kanye seem like a Boy Scout with wings. He’s not only infamous for canoodling exclusively with red carpet A-listers (thus brokering his penis as a marketing tool for media exposure), but he’s a kiss-and-tell boyfriend as well (the ultimate beeyotch move). If I were he I’d start saving my checks now before the VH1 “Where Are They Now?” special in 2018.
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level Five) Normally the self-destructing behavior of one vainglorious musician is not grounds for shaking, but after reading (here on rollingout.com actually) that he referred to his member as “David Duke” regarding his distaste towards sistas, and his use of the N-word; I believe his shaking is long overdue! As for him not liking black women, it’s all good ‘cuz I suspect that it’s only his music that’s “deep” anyway … (nothing more to see here people, move along).
7. Fantasia’s family: (Why They’re Full of It) … Now, I like ‘Tasia and I’ve been rooting for her since ”American Idol,” so when I heard she was getting her own reality show — presumably to repair her damaged public persona — I had my fingers crossed it wouldn’t be another hot-ghetto-mess — I guess I should have crossed my legs, toes and my eyes ‘cuz that family of hers puts the funk in dysfunction! No wonder she’s always screaming, carrying on and leaning down like her back is broken when she sings, she’s carrying the weight of her grown-a– family on her shoulders!
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 2) It’s really her own business to let her Mama and ‘nem mooch off her so I recommend a gentle shake and reality check about reality shows: Take a note from Keyshia Cole’s experience and kick all of them
(including “Teeny”) out the house, off the air and put them on T-shirt and potato salad committee for the next family reunion!
6. Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby’s daddy: (Why He’s Full of It) I don’t dislike or like Sarah Palin but I admire her for not paying one of the Alaskan hockey teams to beat the puck out of this loser for the way he’s gleefully toyed with her daughter’s heart and sold out their family name; exchanging secrets and hearsay with the whole world for his 15 minutes. The only good thing abut this guy is that he’s claimed the No. 1 spot as the national “Baby-Daddy Bum-of-the-Year” award from the bruhs, something I know helps Lil Wayne sleep better at night.
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 7) Levi is a butt-munch of the first degree so I suggest Sarah and Bristol strap him to one of those Bullwinkles they’ve got (in the backyard no doubt), and let it ‘Moose-Shake’ him till that smugness pukes out of him.
5. Reille Hunter, John Edward’s mistress (Why She’s Full of It) … Where do I begin? First: she plots to take a dying woman’s spot as wife and mother (and hopefully become the future first lady… not!), has a love child with that same married man and then to squeeze a few more seconds out of her fame clock, poses scantily-clad in a male’s magazine and cries “Foul!” when they print the pictures??!! SHE’S A VIDEOGRAPHER!! If anyone knows how that whole “overexposure” and “money-shot’’ thing works, it should be her!
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 5) Well, the jokes on her at this point, she’s already publicly humiliated the Edwards family and all involved, the damage is done. I think Elin Woods should lend Elizabeth that nine-iron to smack Reille with one good time; who wants to pose with a broken nose?
4. The Academy Award Voters: (Why They’re Full of It ) … They chose The Hurt Locker over Avatar for best picture?? Are you kidding me?? Granted, I haven’t seen The Hurt Locker, but excuse me while I have a Kanye moment because Avatar was the most money making movie of all time… OF ALL TIME, shouldn’t that say something about how good it was?
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 4): Clearly this was “Hollyweird-hating” politics at it’s worst. Avatar is the Star Wars of this millennium, who will even remember that other movie next year? I recommend a thorough shake for every member of the Academy and then force them to watch Glitter … twice!
3. Tiger Woods’ Mistresses: (Why They’re Full of It) … Tiger’s jump-offs are on some next level delusion! They are the energizer bunnies of whores and much like today’s hip-hop: won’t just go away quietly. I have a problem with unearned fame and these chicks really need to be put in check: Either pull a “Superhead” and get a ghostwriter to put your lust on paper or sit down somewhere and learn a respectable trade that doesn’t include someone else’s husband on your résumé.
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 8) There are just too many of them for just Mrs. Woods to shake, so she’ll need some help on this one. I say we put an ad on Craig’s List inviting any woman who’s ever been cheated on to just have-at-it with a whore of their pick! We could even make it like Sadie Hawkins Day and even give the whores a head start, first whore to cross the finish line doesn’t get beat down … um, much.
2. Tea Baggers: (Why They’re Full of It) … Along with the unfortunate term association, I find the tea baggers amusing, albeit not exactly harmless. Much like birthers, these right-wing-nut jobs are a discontent but organized mob of Obama-haters who’d rather chant the president out of office, protesting taxes and yelling “Demon Pass!” like a bunch of townspeople with pitchforks looking for Shrek rather than consider the benefits of the health care plan and what big-government taxes do for us all! … and um, where were they eight years ago, huh?
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 7.5) You can shake them any way you want and they will always point strongly to the right, whether they are looking or not.
1. Glenn Beck’s and Rush Limbaugh’s Attacks: (Why They’re Full of It ) Here we go again, just when you thought “Thing One” and “Thing Two” couldn’t sink any lower, they tag-team attack a 12-year-old black boy named Marcellaius Owens, whose mom died of pulmonary hypertension and later spoke up in support of President Obama’s health care reform. Rush Limbaugh actually said he would tell this child that his mom would “still die anyway” because an Obama-care plan will kick in too late. *SIGH* … What a love …
Amount of Shaking Needed: (EXTREME) Actually, I don’t think shaking will work here, I’m ordering a beat-down of immense proportions … (( Tweee-deeeeet!)) Secret Service! (Yep, I got it like that … *wink*)
–written & illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
