10. Sandal Overage and Biscuit Heels …
Okay ladies (and some of you men too) the rule of thumb is: if either your toes or your ankles go beyond the shoe, it’s time to switch to a new size and quit playin’. Now you may have worn a size seven in high school, but you can always rekindle that magic through your yearbook and let your local shoe-salesman give you the Beyonce’ special and Upgrade-Ya’. As for the Crusty-the-Clown heels: leave the dough-grindin’ to Bojangles and put some damn Vaseline on … yep, we see you!
*Example: “ Gurrrrl, Regina told me about those biscuit-heel chicks at the party last night . If you can afford to wear Prada … you can afford coca-butter too!”
9. And now in other news, “The Leather-Report”:
Unless you are living in the colder states like Alaska or one of the Dakotas, it’s time to pack the leather up fellas … and yes, the vests count too. Now, it was okay to rock your shiniest pants and jackets all through March, but after Easter; I don’t care if you just got it off lay-away, there’s no excuse for leather in spring, unless you’re a cow … And given the chance, even the cows would probably opt for feathers or somethin’ else come July.
8. Baby Powder As A Built-In Air Conditioner:
We have all seen these ‘chalky-people’ walkin’ around with visible white powder on them … lookin’ like there’s a crack-buffet on their chest, just so they can stay approximately two degrees cooler in the heat. Now, I want to be universal but I’m talking to black folks mainly here so unless you’re a mime on your lunch-break, get rid of the White-On-Black skin look (insert obvious “Jungle Fever” joke here) blend it in and buy yourself a battery-operated fan, it’s that simple.
7. Time-Out-For-Tims … (at least for now):
There’s some debate over whether the ever-ubiquitous “Tims” a.k.a. Timberland Boots are still in style now that Lil ‘Wayne and Kanye have attached their considerably famous feet to them at recent award shows. The fact still remains that much like Sara Palin and good sense, bootsand warm weather don’t match! So for all my lil’ height-challenged dudes; get over the few inches you’ll lose-in-ya-shoes and make it up in your swagga’ … (ya’ wurnt’ foolin’ nobodyeee anyway shawty’)
6. Muffin-top Shorts and Capri Pants:
I think most ladies (and again, some fellas) got the memo that the “Season of Butt-Cleavage Fashion” has ended, but for those who insist on subjecting the innocent to their plumber’s-crack, cover it up and leave the exposed butts in an ashtray … please, before we start pitching pennies up in it.
5. Cougar-Couture`…
On one hand, I’m a big fan of the “If-you-still-got-it-flaunt-it” attitude, but there’s something to be said for a lady of age who shows a lil’ modesty and class. To all my ‘fifty and flirty’ sisters out there: work your sexy, but if any of the stores you shop in have Justin Bieber or Drake boomin’ on their system you might wanna’ reconsider that baby-tee and miniskirt combo and get it for your daughter……….I’m just sayin’.
4. Big-Ole-Bama Straw Hats:
Nuthin’ wrong with a straw hat some days. I have at least one … but there’s a fine Mason-Dixon line between southern charm and straight-up country. The shape, style and swagga’ of your hat determines that. It’ safe to suggest that if you’re wearing your brim almost everyday and you’re not either: (A) carrying a fruit basket through your village fresh from the market; (B) chasing barnyard animals around your crops on the farm; or (C) are in the national tour of “The Color Purple,” … you need to save-up and get your hair ‘did’ or cut it all off … choose.
3. Big-Gurlz In Strapless Dresses
Now, I’m a thick-chick myself, but some of y’all know you’re wrong! If your ‘Weapons-Of-Mass-Seduction” look like B52 bombers on standby, you may want to rethink that lil’ bath towel masquerading as a dress to cover up the twins … or at least take it down to the “Kitty-Kat” club and get paid for your show!
2. Skinny-Chicks In “Poom-Poom Shorts”:
Where did some women get the idea that being very slim means you can dress as raunchy as possible? Even if you have a gluteus-minimus leaning more towards that of the Paris Hilton set, we do
n’t wanna’ see your lil’ bit of booty meat hanging out the back any more than hers … ew.
And the No. 1 Spring fashion offenders are (drum roll pleaze) …
1. Year-around-tacky-people:
The most heinous of all fashion culprits can be seen late at night in your local Wal-mart grocery store, but the truly ‘bold-and bama’ have been spotted at nearby parks and shopping malls. You know them when you see them and can’t believe they are outside wearing; rollers at any time of the day and any place; bedroom slippers and pajamas in the line ahead of you; doo-rags on the corner, the movies, etc.; dirty, Cinderella-looking-mini-prom dresses on their kids while washing clothes at the local Lavanderia; night-club clothing in church; underwear as bathing suits and bathing suits as halter tops and shorts; pants-on-the-ground; th-th-th-thongs strategically worn under baggy jeans; price tags on T-shirts and the always offensive cologne-over-funk cover-up …(cough)
If you — or someone you know — are wearing any of the following from this list outside this spring, you are a offender and need not only several fashion tickets but a jail sentence.
Until next season, remember: ‘Style is personal, but taste should be a public matter!”
*Toodles* –written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
