The time has come for me to complete my two-part “All The Good Men Aren’t Taken” series (part 1). In case you missed it, last week I began to dispel the widespread myth that single black women currently have no viable dating options. While there certainly are some valid points to such an argument, a lack of men isn’t the singular reason that prevents women from finding Mr. Right. Now, I’ve already revealed three common behavior patterns that may contribute to a single woman’s plight, and it’s time to share the final three.
1. Ms. Captain Save-A-Man
The Symptoms:
Simply put, you have a heart of gold. Whether it’s friends, family or c-workers, no one ever questions your dependability. But such a positive trait seems to get in the way when choosing a mate. For some reason, you seem to have a bad habit of falling for needy men who don’t have it together. (Note: Needy men may include Bobby Brown, former D.C. Mayor Marion Berry, and any man in his late 30s still claiming to be pursuing a career in rap.)
Is This You? Ask Yourself:
Do you have a habit of falling for guys that “need” you either emotionally, physically, financially … or some combination of all three?
Is it hard for you to say “no” to your man?
Do you feel guilty if at any point you do something that makes him unhappy?
Do you always find yourself constantly making excuses for your boyfriend’s shortcomings?
Do you give more in your relationship than you receive?
Here’s What You Should Do:
Stop allowing your kindness to be taken advantage of. There are some men that prey on women who allow them to be weak, lazy, or unaccountable for their actions. (The medical term for such a condition is Kevin Federline Syndrome.)
This type of “man,” and I use that term loosely, has absolutely no place in your life. But you have to make certain changes to ensure you are no longer attracting his type. So practice being assertive; practice saying no; and practice demanding the respect that you deserve within your relationship.
2. Ms. High Life
The Symptoms:
Before I begin, let me just say, that I’m not necessarily calling you superficial — well, not exactly. It’s just that you’ve always placed an extra emphasis on the so called “finer” things in life. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look and feel your best, your happiness has always seemed to be dictated by how you physically look. On top of that, when it comes to dating, there have been plenty of men that are ready to emotionally give you the world, but you weren’t interested unless they were able to buy you the world as well.
Is This You? Ask Yourself:
Do you only date men who possess a considerable amount of money or power?
Do find yourself always trying to keep up with other women, because you want to be as physically attractive as they are?
Do you only feel good about yourself when you are receiving compliments from others?
Do you measure how much a man loves you or by how much he buys you?
Do you think that getting old or gaining weight will cause you to lose your man?
Here’s What You Should Do:
No one wants to live like James and Florida Evans, struggling through temporary layoffs and easy credit rip-offs. But while financial struggles are certainly not ideal, neither is basing your happiness solely on monetary wealth or physical beauty. The material things in life will eventually fade away, but true love endures through all. So your first step should be to reconnect with your inner beauty; that’s the part of you that understands that no matter what you have, how much you weigh, or how old you become, you’re still worthy of being loved unconditionally.
3. Ms. Forbidden Fruit Lover
The Symptoms:
Perhaps this is a defense mechanism so you won’t have to commit, but lately you’ve developed a pattern of dating men who are emotionally unavailable. They’re either married, dating someone else, or just getting over a breakup. The astonishing part is that you don’t even realize what you’re doing, and continue to engage in this pattern as if it’s perfectly normal. (This all sounds eerily similar to the night life strategy of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger … Irrational thinking + A refusal to change = Terrible results.)
Is This You? Ask Yourself:
Do you have a habit of being attracted to men that are either married, seriously involved with someone else, or just getting over a breakup?
Do you get mad at yourself for constantly dealing with men who end up being unavailable?
Do you often reject the “good guys,” even when it’s obvious that they aren’t seeing anyone else?
Are you quick to believe a man when he tells you that he is over his ex?
Here’s What You Should Do:
You have to stop engaging in relationships that have no clear endgame. No matter what a man may tell you, if he’s involved with someone else, there’s only so far that your relationship can go. So stop fooling yourself into believing that something more meaningful is on the horizon between the two of you. If you continue down this path, you’ll just end up disappointed, disheartened and embittered — which are three emotions that shouldn’t be on anyone’s wish list.
The Fly Conclusion: Now that we’ve come to the end of our series, it’s time for me to hear from you. Do any of these six types of women sound familiar? Now before the hate mail begins, this in no way absolves men from needing to step to you correctly. But no one can win if neither side is willing to take an honest look in the mirror to see if there’s any room for personal improvement. I’m willing to work on me … are you? –dewayne rogers
**DeWayne Rogers is the author of The Fly Guy Chronicles, your in-depth guide to love, relationships and everything hazy in between.
