10. MOST ANNOYING GAY CELEBRITY:
Rosie “I-eat-Trumps-like-you-for breakfast” O’Donnell versus Adam “American Midol” Lambeth
It would seem that Rosie would win this decision hands down from her long, preachy “Gays-got-it-going-on-” diatribes from her days on “The View,” her TMI true confessions of “lesbians-gone-wild” romps with ex-girlfriend Kelly to the self-indulgent video-blog whining (seriously Rosie … seriously?)
THE DECISION GOES TO:
I’mma have to rule in favor of new kid on the block, the contender, Adam! He’s the clear-cut winner and most annoying due to last year’s b—h-fest about how his shocking and cutting-edge homoerotic AMA performance was not accepted like Madonna’s shocking and cutting- edge homoerotic AMA performance in years past.
Um, she’s Madonna and you’re this year’s Bo Bice, take your prize-belt and wait for that call from VH1 “American Idol Stars, Where Are They Now?” Until then continue to pimp the flag of gay pride, may it forever wave fab-u-lousssssssssly!
9. MOST “FOR-THE-PEOPLE” RADIO PERSONALITY:
Steve “Buy my book” Harvey versus Tom “Fly-Jock” Joyner
Hmmmm, to be clear: BOTH newcomer Harvey and veteran Joyner do their part as the voices for civil rights blended with the best old skool and new skool jams on the air. BOTH have their fingers on the pulse of the black community reporting on everything from all-things-Obama, national and local cases of racism to lesser-discussed issues within the race itself. Steve may have entered the arena with a clear-cut jab to Tom’s lack of spiritual presence with his well-loved morning testimonials, but Tom will always earn extra points for his “Take-a loved-one-to-the-doctor-day,” HBCU Foundation and tours, and all-around-philanthropy. Tom occasionally slipped with dry, guest moderators and lost much momentum before the unceremonious dismissal of Uncle Tom … I mean Tavis Smiley, during the elections, but recovered when listeners got tired of the often coonish, “Amos-N-Andy” antics of Steve and Tommy and ran to flip the dial before commercial break.
THE DECISION GOES TO:
The people have spoken: TOM JOYNER by a FKO! (Free-money knock-out)
Now that the “TJMS” show has trimmed it’s once bloated cast down to the principal three players Tom, Sybil and J. Anthony Brown their chemistry is in sync with the show’s generosity, after all Tom gives out money every hour, and who wouldn’t want that?
8. CRAZIEST WHITE CHICK SINGER ON THE SCENE:
Britney “Bald and Beautiful” Spears versus Lady “Vampira” Gaga
The champ, Britney,, earned her lightweight belt (and straight jacket to match) a few years ago when she married her once anonymous backup singer, “K-Fed” hatched two kids with him and then dumped him via text message after two years. What proceeded was nuthin’ but a pure “Crazy-like-that-glue” public relations nightmare: shaving her head bald, beating her ex’s car with an umbrella, almost dropping her kids and driving them around without a seat belt and last but not least … walking around with no panties on and flashing her Vajay-jay!
(Which as my mama would say is not only crazy but just plain stank.)
THE DECISION GOES TO:
Who else, ‘brit-brit’ by a landslide; the contender, Lady Gaga, didn’t even have a chance! Although Gaga comes off a bit … well, “gaga” (the name fits) her media-whoredom is more crazy like a fox than being really bona-fide bonkers and has created the necessary attention to stay in the spotlight these days. Although Miz Spears was facing some stiff competition from Rehab-Queen Amy Wino-house and eternally-angry Pink for nuttiest siren, let’s face it: Britney is one “toxic” boyfriend away from donning a black, Columbine trench coat … and if she does, the inevitable No. 1 hit she’ll do about “scorned love and revenge” will touch millions of her fans although the way from her padded pink cell.
7. MOST SCREAMING-IST SINGER:
Fantasia “The Bobo Queen” Barrino versus “K-Ci “Ooooh-Yeaaaah” Hailey
It’s easy to see that Cousins Tasia’ and K-Ci have southern roots (both from North Carolina) and deep roots in the church as well. That may explain some of the intense shouting they both do during every performance (especially a live one) that would make a deaf man destroy his hearing aid.
THE DECISION GOES TO:
In the Facebook Weigh-in: Inkera and Crystal Alford sided with K-Ci but Monique, Queyana and Denene voted Fantasia as the winner by a landslide!
One thing is fo’-sho’: Fantasia and K-Ci come from one talented family (and clearly a loud one, too).
6. MOST OVERRATED BOOTY IN THE BIZNESS:………
Beyoncé “Bootylicious” Knowles-Carter versus Jennifer “Jenny-From-The-Block” Lopez
In the Facebook Challenge, the people weighed in again:
John Riddick, Ms Trina Aquarian, John Rivera, Sarbeth Fleming, Carlos Massey, Wendy Covington, Kim Becoate, Monique Mitchell, Bill McConnell, Denise Henry, Queyana Woods all voted “J. Lo” as most overrated; no ands, ifs or BUTTS about it!
There was one little, lonely vote for Beyoncé by Ladonna and one vote for Tasha Stowe (by Tasha Stowe herself, which was of course, disqualified for our purposes here today).
THE DECISION GOES TO:
“J. Lo” wins by a nose … or a butt! Although I have to say anyone who can turn a career as a backup dancer into a world-renowned brand name deserves props! At least Jenny and Bey have some talent, which is more than I can say for Kim Kardashian, who is merely capitalizing on something black women and Latina sistahs have been working since Saartjie “Venus Hottentot” Baartman first dazzled European men and inspired the bustle!
5. MOST UNDERRATED RAPPER-LYRICST:
Redman versus Common
In the Facebook weigh-in, choosy listeners found it difficult to side on one. They expressed that Common is the more famous name due to his acting career although most agreed Common’s lyrical game has been slept on in comparison to Rap-juggernauts Jay-Z , Kanye or Lil’ Wayne.
Mic J. Mitchell and Justice couldn’t decide at all. Regina Hankins, Lauren A. Carter and Denise chose Redman.
Finally, Nikkie Mayo likes Common but digs Redman’s grittiness, which was not part of the challenge but interesting to know.
THE DECISION GOES TO:
Brick City’s finest … Redman is the “LKO” (Lyricist Knock Out) who joins the ranks of lesser celebrated but enormously talented rappers like Talib Kweli and “Cannibus” in the “Whatever-happened-to-never-heard-of-em?” Hall of Fame.
I say, “Hey fellas, even if mainstream America doesn’t get you; true hip-hop heads will always throw back a nod and bounce to your joints!”
4. WORST “DEATH-BY-FAST-FOOD” MENU ITEM:
In the Facebook challenge, the smart money bet was on KFC’s “Double-Down” (two pieces of fried chicken substituted as bread with a slab of bacon, a hunk of cheese and even more cheese without a vegetable in sight … as if that would make it healthier).
Raina Brown said: “I guess it depends on how quickly you want to die. *turns a delicate shade of green* They are both pretty vile … are you sure that’s ‘people food?’ ”
Nicole Harper calls the “Double-Down”: “The stroke nestled between two heart attacks.”
Anjeleigh Robinson adds: “It’s called “double-down” b/c after u double over, u will be down, double time; open heart surgery is about a two month recovery period. I’m just saying, if u want to die, eat that!”
THE DECISION GOES TO: ”Double-Down”
As nasty as a bowl (make that trough of buffet items sloshed together in gravy) sounds, the winner by a “V.K.O.” (Vomit-Knock-Out) was KFC’s latest efforts to live up to their acronym “Killing Fat Customers,” not really a sandwich but a “meatwich.”
Tony Craghead, a rather slim doctorial candidate in Florida was the only one who said he was brave enough to eat one. … I hope his PH.D. is in health care, he may need it!
3. MOST VERSATILE COMEDIAN:
Eddie “Love-em-and Leave-em” Murphy versus Katt “Pimpin-Pimpin” Williams
Not since the king himself retired his belt forever, (RIP Richard Pryor) has there been such a fight for the throne of the baddest and best black comic of all time. To simply just kill-on-stage is not enough, to be the champ you have to: pack a comedy show audience “SRO,” sell out a movie theatre opening weekend, make money despite bootleggers selling your comedy DVDS on the corner … and even appeal to a younger generation of children by doing voice-overs in animated movies while still engaging your core audience and not selling out! *sigh*, not easy, huh?
THE DECISION GOES TO:
Eddie Murphy by “LKO” (Longevity-Knock-Out!) Whereas I am a huge fan of Katt Williams, Eddie gave him the rope-a-dope for a few years and let Katt build up his fan base, do a few Chitlin-circuit movies and TV shows but in the end Katt’s recent drama TKO’d himself. Add to that Eddie’s paycheck from the SHREK franchise alone and it leaves the first pimp of comedy kissing the mat and coming up … short.
2. MOST “HOUSE-OF-WAX-FACED” CELEBRITY:
Joan “The Crypt Keeper’s Wife” Rivers versus Nadya “Octomom” Suleman
A long time plastic surgery addict, comedian Joan Rivers seems like the obvious winner here but when you consider “Octomom’s” sizzling,stick-and-move tactics of stealing Angelina Jolie’s actual face … no amount of tummy tucks, butt lifts and hair removal by Rivers can counter the Octomom’s dazzling-doppelganger damage she’s putting out there … baby, she’s a quilt!
THE DECISION GOES TO:
“The Octomom” by lethal botox injection! Give it up Rivers, you’re washed up like yesterday’s boob job.
1. MOST LIKELY TO HAVE BEEN A “BIG-HOUSE-BED-WARMER” DURING SLAVERY:
Robin “Stern’s Lapdog” Quivers versus Dr. Condoleezza “white-as” Rice
In this final fight-to-the-finish matchup: we have fan favorite and radio’s favorite sell-out Robin going against the highly successful, former secretary-of-state and Chapelle-2005 race-trade pick, Condi: Watching from the sidelines it appears both opponents clearly love their white male bosses: Quivers laughs at everything her boss, Howard Stern, utters out of his malicious mouth and Dr. Rice stood behind and by her man during their entire love affair, I mean the Bush administration … (no matter what catastrophe he got the country in).
THE DECISION GOES TO:
The winner by unanimous decision is Robin Quivers! I understand they both have jobs to do (… and I personally would love to make the kinda money that either lady makes) but Robin never seems to speak her own mind or appreciate her position as one of the highest paid sistahs on the air (or worse: truly agrees with all the misogynistic, and often hateful remarks her co-host makes) a reminder that believing you’re free when you’re not is the worst type of enslavement of them all. … Here’s your belt (and your sign). –written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
** Rest In Paradise Dr. Dorothy Height and Gangstarr’s ‘Guru: two of the ”Best Of The Best,” no doubt.
