Tiger, Be Like Shaq: Why Didn’t You Just Pay Your Mistress Off?
Right now, as he is hunkered down under a thunderstorm of negative publicity, Tiger Woods is probably thinking the same thing that Kobe Bryant was thinking when he was holed up in that Colorado police precinct several years back: “I should have done what Shaq did and paid [her] off.”
Consider Kobe’s example, Tiger: if he just had paid the poor woman off after their sexual tryst, Kobe might have avoided the accusations of rape, the scorching heat of media scrutiny, the millions off dollars in attorneys fees, years of image rehabilitation, the loss of tens of millions in endorsements, the marital strife, and an extended period of being viewed as a social pariah.
Tiger, this all could have been avoided if you had just written Jaimee Grubbs a nice-sized check, replete with a legal document demanding secrecy. I mean, you are worth nearly a billion dollars. A few million, or even several million, missing from the bank account would not have broken you. Your wife would not have noticed the missing funds — most likely because you are a controlling person who probably didn’t allow your wife access to the bank records. Grubbs probably got some type of royalty check for sharing her story with US Weekly, but that would only be a fraction of what you could have offered her. Plus, look at the excruciating headache it would have saved you.
But here’s the problem, Tiger: you have a well-deserved reputation as being cheap. We’re talking Scrooge levels here. Despite making over $100 million a year in endorsements and tens of millions more in golf earnings, more than one media report states that you count your money down to the penny — and give out money as if those pennies weigh as much as boulders. You will develop no sympathy or loyalty with that kind of fist clenching of your pocket change.
Tiger is learning that you never know what you’re going to get when you drag a dollar bill through a trailer park. She’s a cocktail waitress in L.A. That means she’s probably broke and looking for any trick or scheme to fuel her upward mobility. She found it with you.
he other woman identified as having an affair with Woods, the New York socialite Rachel Uchitel, was much higher up the social ladder than our L.A. cocktail waitress and had the prudence and foresight to deny the affair and seek high-powered legal representation. If it proves that Uchitel had an affair with you, she also probably wants her pockets lined up with big bundles of Benjamins, but at least she would have done so discreetly. This is a lesson to never lie down with someone in an illicit affair unless both parties have a lot to lose. The cocktail waitress had nothing to lose.
We are not advocating or condoning Tiger Woods’ infidelity in any way. But in light of his admission on his Web site that he had engaged in “transgressions” and “personal sins” and that he let his “family down,” why didn’t you just pay Grubbs off than go through all this?
terry shropshire
Top 10 Dos and Don’ts for Thanksgiving at Big Mama’s House
10. DON’T bring one little ole lonely pan of biscuits to the dinner and then take away five plates of everything else for the rest of the week. This is a recession holiday and Big Mama will be supervising, so please don’t be greedy and make her bring out the big, wooden spoon.
9. DO spend some time getting to know that “crazy” relative (and don’t pretend like you don’t have any, every family has at least one) ask them about their day; ask them WHO they are today … have the voices stopped? Show some interest, you may find you have something in common.
. DON’T bring your entire entourage to dinner; let your friends be with THEIR family on Thanksgiving. If you can’t bear to be without yo’mans’& nem’ for a day, hook up later at IHOP or somethin’…
. DON’T wear your most fly-est, freak-‘em-at-the-club gear if you know you’re on cleanup crew! Nobody cares if you get gravy stains on your brand new Prada boots while cooking or cleaning in the no-Prada zone.
. DO keep an eye on (and if necessary) beat your own kids if they can’t act right (or don’t get mad if somebody else does) if the annual talk in the car ride about misbehavior doesn’t work … trust me, a little public humiliation will!
. DON’T participate in the “Secret Santa” name pull if you know you are either too broke or too cheap to match the minimum amount! Someone’s gonna know that you really bought your gift at the Dollar Store, and then Big Mama will have to intervene and give your gift to your Uncle’s “special” friend.
. DON’T flirt with your cousin’s man. Yeah, everybody knows they’re on-again-off-again, but unless you want a Jerry Springer moment up in the house, find something else in common … other than the both of y’all hooking up with Dee-bo.
. DON’T play paparazzi and “YouTube” any embarrassingly cute moments of your lil’ nieces and nephews dancing. Everyone with a computer is sick of the same video of a little baby in diapers dancin’ like Beyoncé … or frankly anybody else dancin’ like Beyoncé that ain’t Beyoncé! Keep the home videos for home and save the footage of your little niece’s interpretation of the “Stanky Legg” for next year’s gathering.
. DO keep an eye out on the nephew home from another stint in prison and the wino uncle who can’t hold his liquor. In fact, if you need to stage an intervention … the good news is everybody’s already there!
and the No. 1 Do or Don’t For Thanksgiving at Big Mama’s House is
drum roll please)
1. DO be grateful for whatever food you are eating and the family you are doing it with. Some people don’t have family or can’t be with them; so no matter how much your relatives get on your last one-good-nerve … suck it up! As for the food, everybody can’t be Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray rolled into one. So even if you’re tired of eating your auntie’s macaroni and cheese with the Kraft slices … OR now that you’ve converted to Islam you can’t stand the smell of chitlins’ and ham hocks anymore, remember you could be having what Bernie Madoff, John Edwards and Kwame Kilpatrick are all eating this year — crow!
Enjoy your holidays!
–written & illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
