Editor’s Note: Unless you’ve been buried under a rock or immersed in the second season of “For the Love of Ray J,” I’m sure you’ve heard about the firestorm of controversy currently surrounding the world’s No. 1 one golfer, Tiger Woods. The same man who was once thought to be cloaked with an impenetrable force field, now has more cracks and chinks in his armor than the San Andreas Fault.
As stories of his rampant infidelity continue to come to light, the number of women sexually linked to Woods is now close to rivaling the number of additional troops President Obama has committed to Afghanistan. (Yeah, it’s that bad.) To make matters worse, Woods has taken an indefinite leave of absence from both the spotlight and professional golf, leaving us all to speculate as to what (or who) he’s doing during this self-imposed banishment.
With no Tiger in sight, a bit of creative license is in order, as we imagine what his days at home must be like now. One would hope that some of his celebrity friends have reached out as a sign of solidarity during this time of peril. In fact, let’s just go ahead and assume that Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and a few other high-profile figures have already stopped by for an impromptu grief counseling session. I wonder what they said behind closed doors. I think it’s time we found out …
Dec. 11, 2009 – Orlando, Fla.
**An emergency meeting of the Brotherhood of Filthy Rich Athletes has just convened at the sprawling Isleworth estate of Tiger Woods. BFRA has been in existence since 1971 when founding member Wilt Chamberlain sought to forge an unbreakable bond with like-minded athletes who also enjoyed raunchy, rampant, receational sex.
The BFRA members present for this meeting are Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, O.J. Simpson, and a shadowy figure in the corner only known as the “Consigliere.” After warm pleasantries are exchanged over spinach and artichoke dip (a group favorite), the meeting is called to order by acting president, Michael Jordan.
“Let’s call this emergency meeting to order,” his voice authoritatively booms out. “As a brotherhood, we have to help Tiger regain control of his image. Now we all know that his wife made him temporarily walk away from golf … but I’m not sure if that was the right move. So to begin, I’d like to officially open the floor up to suggestions from the other brothers.”
Kobe Bryant raises his hand. “Tiger, I really think you should be on the golf course right now,” he flatly states. “Hell, I was on trial for rape and I still played. What’s your excuse? Stepping on the court and dropping 35 points on any given night was my ultimate f— you to all of my haters. You should be doing the same thing.”
A small round of murmurs erupt as the members debate the merits of Kobe’s stance. O.J. Simpson — always the wild card of the group — speaks up. “Well Tiger, if your wife continues to get out of hand, you can always borrow my extra pair of gloves. Just say the word and they’re yours.”
Tiger indignantly pounds his fist on the table. “I don’t need your gloves Juice … and I don’t appreciate you calling me a punk Kobe. All I really want to know is how I can get people to like me again. Can anybody tell me that???”
The room grows eerily silent.
“There’s only one way to make people like you again,” a voice rings out. The group turns as the shadowy figure steps into the light. In a stunning twist, the Consigliere turns out to be none other than … Oprah Winfrey.
“You have to come on my show and tell your side of the story,” she explains. “All you have to do is give the people a few tears, and they’ll lap them up like the good dogs that they are. Besides, white America believes everything that I tell them, so coming on my show is the only logical solution.”
“So it’s settled then,” President Jordan interjects. “Tiger will make a guest appearance on Oprah’s show. Are we all on the same page?”
“Yes.”
“That’s cool with me.”
“I agree.”
“Wait, before this meeting is adjourned, I just have one question,” Tiger asks. “Exactly how did Oprah become a member of this organization? I thought it was for men only?”
A smile creeps across the media mogul’s face. “Did you really think that I would trust a room full of horny men with all of this power?” she asks. “The world is out to destroy the image of the black man, and it’s up to us black women to protect it. As much as you piss us off by chasing after random skirts, we still love you. And we have to protect you. That’s where I come in.”
And with that, the emergency meeting of BFRA was adjourned. For now, I guess we’ll just have to wait for Tiger’s guest appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”
Don’t be surprised when it happens. –dewayne rogers
tiger Woods’ Advertisers Jumping Ship
Tiger Wood’s grandiose yacht “Privacy” now seems the perfect metaphor for his tattered life. It is taking on water and sinking fast and some of his longtime endorsement companies are bailing before it goes under completely.
Global consulting colossus Accenture, which paid Woods an estimated $7 million annually to plaster his likeness prominently in airports nationwide, used stinging words to publicly announce their divorce from Woods. An Accenture spokesperson denounced Tiger, stating he “is no longer the right representative for us.”
Gatorade, a division of Pepsico, said they are limiting commercials featuring Woods, as is Gillette, a division of another gargantuan conglomerate, Procter & Gamble. Both Gatorade and Gillette claim they made the decision in conjunction with Woods’ announcement of an indefinite leave from golf.
Nike and EA Sports did throw Woods a life raft to help him stay afloat while wading through the turbulent waters by saying they support the golfer.
With every salacious story and outlandish accusation sticking to the girl-chasing golfer like Velcro, the threat of a continued exodus of highly lucrative endorsement deals grows. Woods makes an estimated $100 million dollars a year from endorsements, mostly predicated on his wholesome image and spectacular athletic feats. He recently became the world’s first athlete to earn over a billion dollars, with only 10 percent of that actually coming from his stunning exploits on the golf course.
Pundits, columnists and industry execs speculate that Woods stands to lose hundreds of millions in future earnings as a result of his obvious hypocrisy, the sleazy scandals and his self-imposed moratorium from the game that made him the world’s richest athlete.
–terry shropshire
tiger: Why Didn’t You Just Pay Your Mistress Off?
Right now, as he is hunkered down under a thunderstorm of negative publicity, Tiger Woods is probably thinking the same thing that Kobe Bryant was thinking when he was holed up in that Colorado police precinct several years back: “I should have done what Shaq did and paid [her] off.”
Tiger, this all could have been avoided if you had just written Jaimee Grubbs a sizeable check, replete with a legal document demanding secrecy. I mean, you are worth nearly a billion dollars. A few million, or even several million, missing from the bank account would not have broken you. Your wife would not have noticed the missing funds — most likely because you are a controlling person who probably didn’t allow your wife access to the bank records.
Grubbs probably got some type of royalty check for sharing her story with US Weekly, but that would only be a fraction of what you could have offered her. Plus, look at the excruciating headache it would have saved you.
We are not advocating or condoning Tiger Woods’ infidelity in any way. But in light of his admission on his Web site that he had engaged in “transgressions” and “personal sins” and that he let his “family down,” why didn’t you just pay Grubbs off than go through all this? –terry shropshire
5 Rules tiger Woods and Other High-ProFile Cheaters Must Follow
1) No Racy Photos or Sex Tapes – Although the mistress will probably do things in the bed that the wife may think twice about trying, she should never get the opportunity to photograph or capture video of a high-profile cheater. In fact, the high-profile cheater should confiscate the mistresses cell phone and turn it off during the tryst just to keep things honest.
2) Provide a Severance Package After Breakups – Breakups can be especially hard for the mistress if she becomes dependent on the high-profile cheater. So to avoid embarrassment or physical harm that can be inflicted by the scorned mistress, the high-profile cheater should find a lawyer and provide a severance package that contractually prevents the mistress from speaking on the affair.
3) Only Meet at Hotels – High-profile cheaters can only date their mistresses inside hotel rooms. The relationship can only consist of having “fun,” ordering room service and watching a movie. Anything more can lead to a disaster.
4) No Sexting, Love Letters or Intimate Conversations Over the Phone – Words can be the biggest downfall for the high-profile cheater. Sending sexual text messages, love letters or having intimate conversations with the mistress can be saved and used as evidence. For displays of affection, see number 1.
5) Leave No Physical Evidence – High-profile cheaters should carefully handle all used condoms and personal items such as clothes, toothbrushes and jewelry when rendezvousing with the mistress. If scorned, the mistress will jump at the opportunity to provide evidence of the affair. –amir shaw
