Who reared you? Were you in a two-parent home?
I was reared at home with my “parents.” My grandfather had already died when I learned he was my biological dad. He visited every so often to play pinochle with my “parents.” It was a two-parent home and she was wonderful to every one else’s children and even raised others. She just hated the very sight of me. She showed it by beating me and blaming me for everything and even punishing me so I would have to stay at home. I hear people say all the time that a two-parent home places a child in a better position, but I beg to differ. It may be true for two healthy parents maybe, not two sick and immature individuals. In my case, it’s worse having a “daddy” than having an absent father. It ruined my life for such a long time. I am now just establishing myself at 42 and getting rid of the effects of their abuse and subsequent abuse by others with whom I developed relationships.
How do you cope with your past?
Some days are better than others. It’s like a death you never really truly get over. You learn to deal with it and the things that were taken from you. I had to just accept the fact that I was never given the opportunity to decide who would be my “first,” if I could be a virgin when I married, or if I was supported by family without being looked at as a woman. I have gone through counseling with therapists who specialize in sexual and child trauma. I had to accept these individuals [my family] were sick, as well as other abusive men in my past, and required help. I am free from them. I cut off all unhealthy relationships. I live a drama free life. I have come to the conclusion that I, Dawn, am worth fighting for and I have a voice and value. I take more time for myself. Since I have finally come to know Dawn, I work on building things that are healthy for me. I deal with negative thoughts from my past immediately. Some days are harder. I wish I never shared my past during romantic relationships. I often hoped they’d understand. They used it to betray me. The men seemed supportive at first, but when it suited them, they would bring that up and negatively talk about me. That’s not love. It’s sad.
I don’t have nightmares anymore. I can have relationships without feeling extreme fear of someone harming me again. I find things that I love. Reading and music are outlets for me. I am a singer and love music so that is a love that will never die. So I sing myself “happy.” I am a believer in God so church is another function. I love style and fashion. Didn’t know I was so good at it until I began my own styling company and I enjoy helping people look good and feel good. I remember feeling so ugly and so marred for almost all my life.
How do you stay inspired?
I stay inspired through music, fashion, my children and grandchildren. I’m inspired by those who are going through it and have no one so I can be that example of “making it.” My life keeps me inspired. It had been so horrible for the first three decades – one huge thing after another – from the conditioning and the effects of child abuse, abuse, rape to the domestic violence as an adult. I remember those dark, destitute times which I never wish to relive. I keep pushing.
When others see that you can make it especially the ones who have fought me. I am living proof I am not who they said I was. They don’t define me! My faith and relationship with God keeps me inspired. My business, goals, desire and knowing that I am loved enough to be missed keep me inspired. In the past, I felt I had nothing and no one who truly stood by me or was there for me. I aspire to remarry, travel, be financially stable, operate a successful business, own my own home and just be happy. Those things keep me inspired and pushing.
