Lizzo has reflected on how her father made her “bury” her feelings.
The “Good as Hell” hitmaker – whose real name is Melissa Jefferson – told how she was always determined to “stick to the rules” and kept her emotions suppressed, while acting as a mediator during family arguments.
“Melissa hated her feelings. She buried them in a chest in the fifth grade (along with her ability to express them). Other people’s feelings on the other hand were her forte. She could process, decipher and regurgitate other people’s emotions effortlessly. This gift could’ve taken her through college, all the way to a degree in psychology. Distinguished Dr. Jefferson with a Ph.D and a cozy office and impressive roster of high-profile, wealthy clients was a shiny idea.
“Fate would have a different hand for Melissa her talents were exhausted on mediating family fights, friend group drama, and charming her way out of confronting her own feelings.” Lizzo wrote in a lengthy essay on her Tumblr page.
Lizzo went on to explain how she’d mediate family arguments by calming her “dragon of a father” and acting as a “translator” for her “emotional” sister when things had escalated because they all had three rules to follow, which were “don’t cry”, “stay neutral; deescalate” and “don’t take anything personal. This isn’t about you.”
And even at her father’s funeral, the 35-year-old star still “never broke the rules.”
“She played her flute and spoke at his memorial. She was present for her mother because it wasn’t about her. When other people’s emotions bubbled up she stayed neutral. She sat through both services and she did not cry. It wasn’t until she excused herself to make a phone call outside did she collapse onto the stairs of the funeral home and weep alone in the cold Detroit snow. It’s okay to break the rules sometimes, she reminded herself. As long as no one else sees it,” Lizzo recalled referring to herself in the third person.
Ultimately, Lizzo began to “carry” various “traumas” before ultimately finding an outlet for her feelings in music, which “healed” her.
“She wanted to scream in a microphone in a sea of shadowy faces. She drank whiskey and wove her pain into rock music. ‘Music is my boyfriend’ she declared. The only man that kept his baggage to himself. And it healed her. It gave her voice reason and purpose.
“The pebble-laden hike became lighter with time. The incline eventually evened out to flat, beautiful landscapes where the breeze finally met her back. She knew it wasn’t gonna be easy or sunshine but even the rain cleansed her and it was beautiful too.
“Somewhere in the rain she decided rules were meant to be built and broken. Like trust and love and friendships and families. Because every thing deserves the opportunity to change and grow.” she wrote.
And now, Lizzo has embraced her feelings and realized how they give her “purpose.”
“Melissa began to fall for her feelings. Her feelings gave life purpose. They weren’t always logical, as feelings seldom are. They were sloppy and embarrassing and rude and so uncomfortable. But they were hers. And they were real.
“And when she sat alone sipping wine, staring at the moon…They were the only ones still by her side. Ready to break the rules for her because they loved her. And she finally loved them back,” she wrote.
