10. “Mommy Dearest” aka Joan Crawford:
Most folks over 30 have seen the movie version of Christina Crawford’s famous tell-all about her ruthless, Oscar-winning, actress-mother. My favorite scene: Faye Dunaway (playing Joan ) looking crazier-than-an-out-house rat with all this white moisturizer cream smeared across her face as if she were doing Japanese Kabuki theater! The camera gets right up on her whispering nose to nose in her adopted daughter’s face: “When you say: ‘I love you Mommy Dearest,’ Christina darling … I want you to MEAN IT!!!” Money can’t buy you love but it sure as shiggity can scare people into pretending that they do!
9. Susan Smith:
Not only one of the worst mothers in history, but the worst liar. Instead of just assigning custody to her estranged husband; Susan Smith not only drowned her two innocent children but lied and blamed it on a “make-believe” black man who stole the car with them inside. WTF ??!!! … Let’s keep it real, I’ve heard of some bruthahs stealing cars … but stealing lil’ white kids?? Riiiiiiight.
C’mon, y’all know the joke: You can’t get some bruthahs to go see their own kids, let alone steal someone else’s!!
8. Nadia Suleman aka the Octomom:
She pimped out her uterus for a TMZ interview, a few shopping sprees, a reality TV show no one watched (but her and the kids) and a house so she could-single handedly feed 14 little mouths??? I know of daycares with fewer children! What else needs to be said? Eight was not enough!
7. Sethe, a character in the novel Beloved:
From one of my favorite Toni Morrison novels: Sethe the protagonist attempts to kill all of her children (and herself) in a desperate move to save them from slavery …which she sees as a fate worse than death. Hmmm, now I would never-ever downplay slavery for being anything less than the worst human holocaust mankind has ever witnessed, but compared to getting my head sawed off? …
Couldn’t she have held off at least until Nat Turner or Harriet Tubman and ‘nem showed up? … I’m sayin’.
6. Britney Spears:
Well, they say the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree or in Britney’s case, it doesn’t fall far from the car seat, the feeding chair, the changing table, her arms … Brit’s baby fell down faster than her baby-daddy K-Fed’s rap album, the fact that he has custody suggests Brit-Brit’s mothering skills are what’s really “Toxic” (hee-hee … couldn’t resist) … and speaking of little miss “Hit-Me-Baby-One-Mo’-Time,” it’s time to pull back the private jets, trips to the spa, snatch up the credit cards and remind her mom that the next time she writes a tell-all book about Brit, she needs to remember exactly who wears the sparkly covered panties in this family! (but then again, last I saw … Britney didn’t wear them either!)
5. Gary Coleman’s mom, Sue Coleman:
While Gary Coleman was entertaining us every week as adorable Arnold Drummond; sadly Gary Coleman’s Mom and Dad were entertaining themselves with all his hard-earned cash. … It’s ironic that his mother goes by the name “Sue” because that’s exactly what Gary did … sadly, too little too late though.
“Whatchu’ talkin’ bout’ I’m BROKE, Willis?”
4. The Infamous Ma Barker:
… Forget what ya heard, this lady was the original “gangsta b—-!”
Although historians argue over whether Kate “Ma” Barker was really the brains behind the operation of the notorious Barker-Karpis gang; one thang is for sure … she made sure she got her cut or everybody was going to bed without supper! (And after firing off a few warning shots I can imagine.)
3. Joan Rivers: Some would argue it’s the ultimate showcase of love to let Melissa Rivers hitch her wagon to Momma River’s trail of hard work and success so she can eventually take over when Joan leaves off … but I disagree. I think she’s being set-up to fail. Melissa’s the worst case of nepotism ever,… next to ‘Dubbya’ and George Bush Sr. and people just don’t like Melissa like they do Joan (although I don’t understand Joan’s appeal either). This will only end up as a disappointment since Joan Rivers is NEVER going-to-die! I figure she has enough botox in her face to keep her safely mummified til’ the year 2275 when humans have finally discovered immortality. … And Melissa will STILL be there by mommy’s side!
2. Mary Jones aka. the mama-monster Mo’Nique played in Precious:
Okay, if you haven’t seen the movie by now … oh well; but for those that have we all remember just how cringe-worthy Mo’s Oscar-winning performance as (seemingly) the mother of Satan himself!
Mary literally hit poor Precious with everything from: physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse, a very, creepy sexual abuse scene and that part where she tried to “El-Kabong!” her own daughter and grandchild with a TV set from 5 flights above their heads … I saw grown men crying after that. On top of it all, she was a welfare-scammer too? Let’s just hope Mo’s real kids never see this movie, I imagine a lifetime of therapy after viewing it.
… And THE NUMBER No. 1 WORST MOM EVER IS
(drum roll pleaze …)
Mabel Simmons aka Madea:
Madea is the mother you hate to love, but can’t resist! Gun-toting, criminal rap sheet having, traffic violating, husband poisoning and the list goes on, Madea has done it all … or is planning to! (Psssst, and I hear she ain’t even a woman!)
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY EVERYBODY!
I know this is a bittersweet holiday for many and my sincere and heartfelt prayers go out to those who are having it rough this week. I’m blessed enough to have both of my parents ( I love you Madge and Richard!) but for those who have lost their moms or have an estranged relationship, take comfort in knowing … IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE!!!
–written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson
