So here’s the scenario: You meet a woman, think she’s wonderful, and subsequently work to pursue something meaningful with her. And by all accounts, things are going really well between the two of you. She’s smart, funny, goal-oriented, grounded … basically any and everything that you could possibly hope for in a mate. There’s just one small detail that you can’t seem to get beyond …
Her best friend is a guy.
I know what you’re probably thinking … “Well, what’s wrong with that?”
To be frank, a lot. You see, it’s rare to find a man that’s actively looking for female best friends. (Find one, and I’ll find you a liar.) More often than not, those types of relationships develop as a result of some failed romantic pursuit. Either he wanted her; she wanted him; or it fell in line with the latest trend which has couples breaking up, and trading in their “His and Her T-shirts” for BFF bracelets.
With all of this unspoken gray in the equation, a man is faced with two distinct choices. He can either (a) walk away and let them continue to be best friends. Or he can (b) fight for his place as the number one man in her life.
I’d like to discuss the latter with my 5 Dating Tips For When Her Best Friend Is A Guy.
Step 1: Show No Signs Of Jealousy
So her best friend is a guy … a guy that actually likes women. So what’s your first move?
Absolutely nothing.
When she initially reveals that her best friend’s name is Tony and not Tonya, expect her to search for any signs of displeasure in your demeanor. Why? Well, the last four men that she dated didn’t take it too well, so she’s expecting you to react just like them.
But you know better. So stay cool, and even acknowledge how glad you are that she has good people in her life. Now is not the time, nor place to fight this type of battle. The journey is just beginning grasshopper.
Step 2: Uncover Their History
Now that you have pushed your way through the initial shock, it’s time to get to the bottom of things. Casually ask her questions about the origins of their friendship. Did they used to date? Did he make a move only to get placed in the friend zone? And have they ever made any occasional drunken mistakes? (Don’t make me spell out what I mean by that. My grandmother just found out about the Internet and may be reading this.)
Once you gather the proper background information, you can then begin to assess his mind-set. After all, your main concern is his intentions … not hers.
Step 3: Be Nice
There’s no sense in being rude, or acting like you disapprove of his presence in her life. Those types of objections immediately place your significant other on the defensive, ultimately bringing the pair closer as she feels compelled to defend him. Trust me: going down the angry road and sleeping with Paris Hilton have more in common than one may initially think. (Both are wrong; but when you end up doing it anyway, you pay the price down the road.)
Instead, take the road less traveled by getting to know him. This approach provides you with a clearer sense of why she values his friendship.
Step 4: Find a Girlfriend for Him
Is it just me, or are 95 percent of all male best friends single? (The other 5 percent are in rocky relationships that could end at any moment.) That’s a problem in itself. You don’t need him laying around waiting for her to cry on his shoulder when you upset her. No, he needs a woman of his own. So try to hook him up with an acquaintance or two. You can even suggest that the four of you go on a double date. (That way you can monitor the situation firsthand.)
**Step 4 only becomes a viable option when you’ve followed step 3, and have developed a nice rapport with him. (See, I told you there’s a method to my madness.)
Step 5: Take His Place
The final step often proves to be the toughest part. Some men expect their woman to scale back the “best friend” relationship without first being offered a better alternative. That never happens. If you aren’t comfortable with him being such an important part of her life, then you need to pick up his slack. If she expects him to listen to her problems, then you need to open up your own ears. If she enjoys his company while grocery shopping, then it’s time for you to get behind that cart and start pushing.
By giving her everything that she needs in a male companion, the nature of their relationship will naturally begin to change. Friends of the opposite sex often serve to fill voids in the lives of single people. But since she’s no longer single, the only person that should be “filling voids” around these parts is you. (I still can’t go there with you guys … my grandmother is still reading.) But you get what I’m saying, right?
The Fly Guy Moral: This article shouldn’t be interpreted as a sign of male insecurity. Instead, it should be viewed as one man’s willingness to step up to the plate to become all that his woman needs and desires in a man.
To the men: If you aren’t willing to follow through on the final step, then you have no right to be upset about the nature of her friendship. A complaint without counteraction eventually leads to you being single again. So if you want to be the one and only man in her life, then act accordingly.
To the women: I wasn’t trying to leave you out. I know you don’t like it when his best friend is a woman, either. The same principles that I’ve outlined can be applied to your situation as well.
So does everyone understand what I’m saying? And are all hearts and minds clear? Then the doors of the church are now open. Amen. –dewayne rogers
**DeWayne Rogers is the author of The Fly Guy Chronicles, your in-depth guide to love, relationships, and everything else in between.
