Today’s relationship piece focuses on a question consistently asked, but rarely answered in a meaningful way:
“Do men know how to love and commit?”
While I can already hear a chorus of women assembling to express their belief that no man is capable of loving someone in a meaningful way, I’m not willing to go that far. What I will say is that there are some men who do struggle with the idea of love and commitment, myself included.
Today’s column will highlight three factors that contribute to that struggle.
The Disclaimer: This doesn’t apply to all men, as there are pockets of men that remain unaffected by the following variables.
Heartbreak Follows Us
While some women are quick to state their belief that “all men are dogs,” there happens to be a large group of women who cheat just as much as men do (yeah, I said it.) Oftentimes, a broken heart often does more damage to a man’s psyche than it does to a woman’s. Now he may never fully admit to the total extent of that damage, but the effects can stay with him for a very long time, which in turn affects the way that he loves going forward.
Expression Is Not an Option
For many men, the chapter on “expressing our emotions” was conveniently ripped out of our Man Law Handbook by our fathers. Early on, we were taught that a wide range of offenses were forgivable — robbing a bank, stealing an old lady’s groceries, or beating up a midget. But when it comes to crying or showing any signs of weakness … well that sin is unforgivable in the eyes of our fellow man.
This mind-set often spills over into relationships, as men struggle with their ability to express their feelings. This barrier often creates conflict, making hard for a man to successfully open up to his woman. In may ways, we’d rather shut you out than face the prospect of you tapping into the core of their emotions.
You can blame my dad for that one.
The Rules Change Every Day
The moment a men tells me that he’s figured out the formula to loving a woman is the moment I tell him he’s a fool. It’s impossible, as you can’t attempt to love a woman with a singular approach and expect success over the long haul … women change too much for that.
Many men struggle with this concept. In their minds, if a woman is happy with him taking her to the Cheesecake Factory for her birthday one year, then she should always be happy with that every year.
Bad philosophy.
That inability to adapt and evolve with the changing needs of a woman often stunts a man’s ability to love and commit effectively. I call this the MC Hammer effect. Much like Hammer’s insistence to make the same music over and over again, some men fall into the trap of trying to express their love in that same predictable manner.
And just like Hammer’s music, that approach gets old real fast. When things get old, we all know what happens next right? Exactly. We go out and cheat, and you chase us out of the house on Thanksgiving night with a golf club.
Happens more often than you might think.
The Fly Guy Moral: This piece shouldn’t be viewed as an attempt to make excuses for the brotherhood. Instead, I hope that by shedding light on a few of our love and commitment challenges, we can address them and begin to establish happier, healthier relationships with you, the fairer sex.
Any thoughts?
DeWayne Rogers is the author of The Fly Guy Chronicles, your in-depth guide to love, relationships and everything hazy in between.
