What if everything you thought you understood about communicating with men was wrong? Would you be willing to re-calibrate your thinking to possess the love and life you desire? Do you realize that you have an innate power to attract amazing relationships through your ability to communicate using a soft and strategic strategy?
Deya Smith penned Soft is the New Power: Embracing Your Feminine Edge to Win in Love & Life to show readers how to return to the organic softness that is feminine power.
Known as the ‘man whisperer’, bestselling author, producer, relationship and lifestyle expert Deya “Direct” Smith writes and produces commentary for your heart, mind and soul.
Smith is a multimedia personality and is Lead Producer for the award-winning and nationally syndicated Tom Joyner Morning Show, which reaches 8 million listeners daily; author of the Amazon Bestseller Failure is Fuel, and Touch Yourself: 30 Ways to Boldly Live, Love & Let Go!
Read what Smith has to say about Soft is the New Power and how we can use this new approach to our advantage in work, play and at home.
Why did you write this book?
I wrote this book for several reasons; however the short answer is that I had to learn the hard way that being a one-tone wonder was not effective communication. In other words, we need to be savvy and strategic about how we use the tools of communication to attract and influence; otherwise people may tune us out. This is particularly true for Black women who are boxed in as all the same and are unfairly branded as loud and confrontational. So, similar to how financial experts advise us to diversify our portfolios; I am advising and providing tools to support us in becoming wiser about diversifying our communication portfolios to attract more benefits overall.
What’s the story behind the title?
I think this short story that I discuss in in the book may capsulize one of the moments when I had an epiphany (there were several).
One day, while in a heated argument with an ex, I enjoyed verbal sparring, and debated for fun, thus the moniker “direct” was created; however, on this particular day my ego was crushed when my ex told me something that really hit a nerve. Regarding my tough-as-nails demeanor he said, “If I wanted to date a man, then I would be with one. You will never be as hard as a man so stop trying…”
Honestly, I didn’t want to be a hard woman. Like everyone else, I wanted a safe place to be soft and let my guard down, but I had forgotten how. I had some soul searching to do. The first thing I realized was that I looked soft and feminine on the outside, but my energy, my heart and sometimes my mind was more hard and closed off than I was comfortable admitting. Slowly, the soft journey of discovery began.
I realized that my hard-hitting communication personally and professionally was very strong, but I was losing the nuance and artfulness of being soft. Not only was the one-angle approach not working anymore but it was exhausting. So I decided to study the power of being soft. I initiated a process of discovery reviewing my love relationship patterns, which mirror the patterns of hundreds of women that I’ve encountered. I did real academic and real life research. I studied men, the art of communication and relationship strategies. I even created a multimedia panel series called “the Man Whisperer.” As a result, I’ve not only had a change of heart, but I have a changed mind, and I finally have a renewed reality when it comes to experiencing a healthy love life.
Now, with this book, I submit that the full-circle time has come for women to knock down the hard walls and allow the soft layers within to bloom. Accepting this challenge that I extend may be the most powerful and liberating action that one can take to experience the fruits of a balanced life. Many women will, and have already begun to discover as I did that soft does not make you weak and being hard does not make you strong.
Even more, this concept transcends beyond personal love relationships, but also extends its reach into political, professional, and social situations. I focus it on women, but the concept of soft power, which originates as a political term has no gender.
The idea is that we can shift our perspective on what it means to be soft and feminine. There is nothing weak about being the softer sex. In fact, it’s extremely powerful if you know how to use it strategically to authentically get want you want and need.
Why try to win like a man win you can win like a woman?
What do you hope readers will glean from reading your book?
I focus on two big concepts: The Soft Strategy and The Secret Power of a Man Whisperer. The Soft Strategy will explain the concept of soft power and reveal why it’s a game changer on how to win. And, The Secret Power of a Man Whisperer will actively engage help the reader make power moves that apply the principles of soft power in your love life. I want readers to walk away understanding the power that they possess to communicate effectively and regain tools to utilize the lost art of connecting to a man’s heart.
This book will also help you to:
• Exit masculine-mode and enter into your feminine energy;
• Heal, trust yourself and God;
• Experience deeper intimacy and connections;
• Learn the Art of Becoming a ‘Man Whisperer’;
• Attract more love, happiness and success,
How long did it take you to write this book?
Off and on, it took about two years.
How did you arrive at this career choice? Was it a deliberate decision or a gradual and natural evolution?
The decision to write is somewhere between natural evolution and a divine God push. My natural inclination is as a speaker and performer. But it’s necessary to create a platform to become well-known as a speaker. Blogging and writing are tools to open those doors.
What separates you from others in your field? What is unique to the experience that you create?
My story separates me. I am very transparent about using my pain to pay me back and I believe that we all should. If you’ve paid for something you want it to be worth the price. So no experience goes to waste if I can help it. I share my lessons in love and in life from a ‘girlfriend’ perspective. My writing is very conversational. I seek to create that we’ve-all-been-through-something experience. I want to take my readers on a journey from identifying to inspiration and real action steps that take them to the next level.
How do you stay at the leading edge of your craft?
I study. I stay on top of daily news, studies and pop culture. As the lead producer for the Nationally-syndicated “Tom Joyner Morning Show,” I am a curator of culture and content.
How do you measure your success?
At this point, success is knowing that I’m in my purpose of helping women in transition discover their power to fully love and leverage themselves (F.L.L.Y.) !
Who do you see/use as examples for you to emulate?
I think women like Valorie Burton, Lisa Nichols and of course Iyanla Vanzant are at the top of their game. I glean from how they approach the craft of motivation and coaching.
Name three books, works, performances or exhibits that changed how you view life and/or yourself.
1. “The Lion King” stageplay because it reminds us not to give up on ourselves and that often it’s being lost that helps you to not only find yourself, but to discover your gift and purpose; forcing you to get out of your comfort zone and to take the lead.
2. Book – Who Moved My Cheese reminds me to remain open and to be flexible to change for the better
3. Book – The Slight Edge because we often get overwhelmed by the bigness of our thoughts and dreams; when in fact what is most important is the next right small step.
Why do you consider continued learning important?
Because today I only know what I know so far; I don’t even know what I don’t know yet.
What affirmations do you repeat to yourself that contribute to your success?
Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not to your own understanding in all of thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.”
What role does technology play in your day-to-day life? How do you utilize it?
Between Instagram and Facebook, I may need therapy. Once I start it’s hard to get off. Creative energy from other people’s posts inspire me.
Please define your personal brand.
My brand is all about being the fly go-to-girlfriend on lifestyle and the ‘man whisperer’ on love and relationships. For me, it’s all leveraging every lesson and experience.
What is your favorite vacation destination and why?
I have not discovered my ultimate yet. In my head I feel like it will be Italy, I think that I’m more aligned with a Mediterranean lifestyle. I will also say that the countries that I’ve gone to in Africa will always be at the top of my list.
If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Poverty – mentally, monetarily, and emotionally and spiritually.. The other would be fear. Fear causes so much negativity; everything from racism to wars.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Procrastination. Time keeps moving regardless of how we respond to it.
What does it take to be iconic? In your estimation, who has achieved that status?
To be iconic, one must be relentless, resilient, and when you experience fear, you feel the fear and do it anyway. Oprah and Shonda Rhimes both are clearly iconic.
Find Deya on Twitter and Instagram: @DeyaDirect Facebook Group: Fly and Fabulous Women of Purpose YouTube: DeyaDirectTV
