Your partner walks into the kitchen while you’re making coffee and says something about the weather outside. You grunt in response without looking up from your phone. In that moment, you just missed an emotional bid for connection, and your relationship became a tiny bit more distant. These micro-moments happen dozens of times each day, and how you respond to them determines whether your relationship thrives or slowly withers away.
Emotional bids are the small attempts your partner makes to connect with you throughout the day. They might seem insignificant, but relationship research shows that couples who consistently respond positively to each other’s bids have much stronger, more satisfying relationships than those who ignore or reject these connection attempts.
The comment about nothing that means everything
Your partner mentions something they saw on their way to work, shares a random thought, or points out something happening around you. These seemingly casual observations are actually invitations for you to engage with them. They’re not just sharing information, they’re saying they want to connect with you in this moment.
When your partner says something like “Look at that beautiful sunset” or “I heard an interesting story on the radio today,” they’re making a bid for your attention and emotional presence. The content isn’t what matters, the invitation to connect is what matters.
The physical proximity bid for emotional closeness
Sometimes emotional bids are completely nonverbal. Your partner sits down next to you on the couch when they could sit anywhere else, or they find reasons to be in the same room where you’re working. They might lightly touch your arm while passing by or stand close to you while you’re both doing different activities.
These physical proximity bids are subtle ways of saying they want to feel emotionally close to you. They’re not necessarily asking for conversation or attention, but they’re expressing a desire to share space and energy with you.
The sharing bid that reveals inner thoughts
When your partner tells you about their day, shares a worry, or mentions something they’re excited about, they’re making a bid for emotional understanding and support. These sharing bids are opportunities for you to learn about their inner world and show that you care about their emotional experience.
Even when the topic seems mundane, like complaining about traffic or sharing excitement about a new restaurant opening, your partner is really asking you to be interested in their life and to validate their feelings and experiences.
The help-seeking bid disguised as practical requests
Sometimes emotional bids come disguised as practical requests for help or input. Your partner asks for your opinion about something, requests help with a task they could probably handle alone, or asks you to make a decision about something relatively minor.
These help-seeking bids aren’t really about the practical issue, they’re about wanting to feel supported and valued by you. When your partner asks which shirt looks better or whether you think they should call their friend back, they’re often really asking for emotional connection and reassurance.
The humor bid that seeks shared joy
When your partner makes a joke, shares something funny they saw online, or tries to be playful with you, they’re bidding for emotional connection through shared laughter and joy. These humor bids are attempts to create positive moments together and to feel like you’re on the same team.
Even if their joke isn’t particularly funny or their attempt at playfulness feels forced, the underlying bid is for lighthearted connection and shared positive emotions.
The routine interaction bid hidden in daily tasks
Everyday interactions around household tasks, schedules, and logistics often contain emotional bids that are easy to miss. When your partner asks about your plans for the weekend or mentions something they need to do tomorrow, they might be bidding for connection and coordination rather than just sharing information.
These routine bids are opportunities to show interest in each other’s lives and to approach daily life as partners rather than just roommates managing logistics.
Turning toward instead of away
The key to strengthening your relationship through emotional bids is learning to “turn toward” your partner’s attempts at connection rather than “turning away” through distraction or dismissal. Turning toward doesn’t require grand gestures, it just requires acknowledging the bid and responding with some level of engagement.
This might mean putting down your phone when your partner starts talking, asking a follow-up question about something they shared, or simply making eye contact and showing that you’re present in the moment. Small, consistent responses to emotional bids create the foundation for deep, lasting connection.
