10. The “Barely Literate” Status … These people actually make you wonder how they graduated … um, middle school! I understand being in a hurry and so a few typos may fly-out, but daily repeat offenders need to remember “Google” and ‘Spellchecker’ are your friend and just a mouse-click away … Use them!!
Facebook Status No. 24: “John ‘Dufus’ Smith is finnaly getting off wok and tacking his family on a vatican to the bich tomorrow to sock up sum sun!” (WTH???? … huh?)
9. The “Greetings From Hollywood” Status…. Celebrities on Facebook are a lot like watching a hearing-impaired interpreter sign to the deaf: They are fascinating to look at, and you love to watch ’em work BUT you gotta’ know they’re not really talking to you! That is, if it’s even really a celebrity and not some flunky assistant.
Facebook Status No. 33: Jane ‘Starstruck’ Smith—>@ “Madonna”
“Oooh Madonna, gurrrrl, I LOVE you! … And you are sooo not what they say about you!
If you wanna’ adopt any more lil’ black babies, HOLLA’ … cuz’ I know people.
8. The “Club Promoter SHOUTER” Status … Obviously, some people didn’t get the memo that writing in ALL CAPS reads as SHOUTING, it’s annoying even in print, but especially when a promoter is pumping up their event disguised as a greeting!
Facebook Status No. 97: John “Funky Finger Promotions” Smith is SAYIN’ HELLO TO ALL THE PRETTY LADIES OUT THERE WHO NEED TO GET THEIR BUTTS DOWN TO THE “SIR-MIX-ALOT **BOOTY-OFF-DUTY** DANCE OFF PARTY *WITH SPECIAL HOST, SNOOKIE FROM “JERSEY SHORE!!!” ITS’ ALL GOING DOWN AT THE BK LOUNGE OVER ON CENTRAL AVENUE TONIGHT! … LADIES FREE BEFORE 9 p.m., FELLAS DRESS TO IMPRESS, SEE YOU THERE !
7. The “Rachel Ray Foodie” Status…. This one isn’t really that bad: some people LOVE to cook and then TELL you all about it! What they cooked, how they cooked it, how good it smelled, how good it tasted all chewed up in their mouths and of course, how you’re not getting any!
Facebook Status No. 19: Jane “Betty Crocker” Smith is adding just a pinch of chopped parsley and basil to her beef Stroganoff, a dab of EVOO, a smidgen of Dijon style mustard on the pumpernickel bread and later on some homemade apple pie to finish it off! Mmmmmmm, can’t you just smell it? … can’t you just taste it?”
(No, I can’t … and I hope your pie is overcooked, LOL!)
6. The “crazy-like-that-glue-Psycho” Status … Warning to Facebook members aiming to “collect” over 2,000 friends, you cannot add just anyone! Some folks are having the worst week ever … EVERY single, week and eventually they are going to show up at your door and tell you up-close and in personal detail exactly why that is … delete them NOW!
Facebook Status No. 666: John “Norman Bates” Smith is not sure how much longer he can take Mother’s demands. Every day it’s: ‘Stop leaving your clothes on the floor, stop looking at that Leprechaun porn site, or stop leaving rat poison in my coffee’…GET OFF ME MOTHER!
5. The “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” Status…..Yeahhh, we get it: You’re hot, REALLY HOT! You’re ‘gasoline-underwear-with-a Molotov-cocktail’ HOT! Beyoncé, Morris Chestnutt and Justin Timberlake are all calling YOU up for tips, kinda’ hot … and if the Kodak snapshot of you sprawled out across your bed in your ‘freak-em’ up dress on your page didn’t show us, your ever changing status does!
Facebook Status No. 69: Jane “Slutty McSlut-slut” Smith is cuming home from another exciting evening of flexibility, frolicking and fantasy sex with the Walker twins … again … it sucks to NOT be me, hmmmmm?
4. The “Too Much Information” Status….This is for the folks on Facebook who share ALL their VERY personal business for us all to see and cringe. Less is more … please.
Facebook Status No. 88: Jane “TMZ” Smith is wondering if that small patch of red bumps below her abdomen could be poison-ivy…hmmmm, it doesn’t smell like poison- ivy …”
(um, TMI for sure … ew!)
3. The “They-Said-I-Had-To-Go-To-Rehab-but-I-said-No-No-No” Status … Heyyy, there is nothing wrong with gettin’ your party on but nobody wants to hear about you drunkenly texting that in while flying down the SAME highway they could be driving on! There’s a line you just don’t cross … or snort for that matter!
Facebook Status No. 21: John “Ned The Wino” Smith is finally climbing out of bed and off the Walker twins to go have a deep conversation with the toilet bowl …*Whoaaa*, dude … is the room supposed to spin like this?”
2. The “Fortune Cookie or Laced Brownie Effect” Status…. Although I’ve often gleaned some pearls of wisdom from quite a few truly insightful statuses, I must say there are a few where you just have to ask “WTF”? Weird is not a substitute for deep…and crack is still wack…
Facebook Status No. 77: Jane “The Mellow Mushroom” Smith is reflecting on how the songs in the Alicia Keys of life are always there if you just open up the door and then let your inner child shine in his own dance recital….I love everyone, really! *Peace*”
… and THE N0. 1 MOST COMMON (and annoying) FACEBOOK STATUS IS … (Drum Roll Please)
The “Entrepreneur” Status…. This person has seemingly befriended EVERYONE on “Facebook” BUT doesn’t really seem to “know” anyone…at least not beyond: dropping a daily email about their new album’s release party, their new, limited edition book on sale (at a store near you)and the link they post that will connect you to making millions…um, if you just sign under them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL about self-promotion, “FaceBook” can be fun and very lucrative, but if you can’t even say “hello” to me ever OR at least ‘Thanks for the Ad” before you list all your stuff on my page, like my name was Craig … I might just block you … now how’s that for customer feedback? … LOL!
–lena hopkins-jackson
