(… Or the Top 10 the Hard Way by Senator John McCain)
10. *Operation-Mama-Mia: The “We’re Kicking Italians Back To The Boot They Came From” Anti-Italian Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Mafia-lookin’, Good Fellas straight outta’ the cast of “The Sopranos,” guys who answer to ‘Pauly,’ ‘Tony’ or any name ending with a vowel sound, loud-mouthed chicks with big, mall-hair and sprayed-on tangerine-tans and muscled-bound Guidos at the club wearing cheap suits with more oil in their hair than BP can spill.
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Knock-off Prada, Dolce & Gabbana and Gucci sold at swap-meets and grocery store parking lots, Prego marinara sauce (too fattening, who cares if “It’s In There”… who needs that?) And the entire “New Jersey Shore” and the “Desperate Housewives of New Jersey” cast; “Getthefrondoorouttahere, … seriously … LEAVE!”
9. *Operation-What-Da’-Bloodclot: The “We Ain’t Takin’ No Jamaicans”
Anti-Caribbean Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Along with islanders, anyone who says “Hey Mon!” with a thick accent, black people with dreadlocks who wear those crocheted, rainbow-berets and annoying, stringy-haired white boy Rastas who wanna’ be down; they can go too!
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Ganja (we have our own),Red Stripe Beer, bad-bootleg Reggae concerts on DVD and Poom-Poom shorts when worn near a construction workers!
8. *Operation- Blame It On The Bl-bl-bl-bl-Blarney Stone*Anti-Irish Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Pretty much everyone in Rockaway Park, N.Y., or the Southie area in Boston found slinging the fist-a-cuffs in a drunken stupor (on any given day of the week).
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: The remaining members of the rap group “House of Pain,” Lesbian-from-hell Rosie O’Donnell and Bill O’Reilly who needs to be sent back to Ireland with a warning note attached to his jabber-jaw to not open before … never.
7. *Operation Thai-onara* The “Thai-Thai-Time To Go“ Anti-Thailand Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Actually ALL Asians: Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai … the Government doesn’t have time to dice all these people up, anybody with eyes that slant; round’em up! This includes rapper Foxxy Brown (she needs to go anyway, too much drama for one over-the-hill rapper nobody listens to anymore).
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Any type of Chinese-like take-out food (it’s all laced with MSG and God knows what else masquerading as chicken!) Mani-Pedi Shops, Hair-weave stores in the ‘hood and Tiger Woods (no more white chicks for this guy, we can’t risk another O.J.)
- *Operation:Crickey!* The “Take It Back To The ‘Out Back’-Anti-Australian Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Aborigines and crusty-looking, “Crocodile Dundee” types from the “Land Down Under”
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Vegemite sandwiches (because that just SOUNDS nasty) ’80s pop-group “Men at Work” (they’re one-hit wonders anyway) and Aussie hair products (their commercials are weird, what’s with the purple kangaroo? … just scary)
5. *Operation Voules-Vous Coucher` Your Way Back to France Today” Anti-French Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING*: Any beret-wearing, frog eating, chain-smoking, pretentious acting euro-trash snobs who sound like they’ve been watching a Pink Panther marathon; get ‘em outta’ here on the Saab they rode in on!
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Everything French can go but the wine, that can
((*Hiccup!*)) … um, stay.
4. *Operation-Highlander … There Can Be Only One!” Anti-Scot Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: All fire-crotch chicks or redheaded blokes wearing a plaid skirt like a broad, playing bagpipes, etc. … send ‘em packin’.
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: “Lucky Charms” cereal: they may be magically delicious but they magically run through you too, after the third trip to the loo they tend to loose their “charm.”
3. *Operation-Germans Are All Nazi Vermin” Anti-German Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Anyone speaking with a funny, guttural accent, drinking mass quantities of foreign lager during Oktoberfest or found wearing Nazi paraphernalia.
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Mercedes-Benzes, BMWs, Porsches and any other imported car that make our American cars look bad, Supermodel Claudia Schiffer (we’ve got enough foreign models as it is) and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger who is actually from Austria, but eh … close enough.
Oh, and German beer can stay … for um, further testing … yep.
2. *Operation-London Bridge is Falling Down, Go Back and Catch It, Mate* Anti-British Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Anybody with an Austin Powers-like accent with large ears, exceptionally bad teeth and a penchant for dry, pretentious, “B.B.C.” comedies.
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Fergie (both of ‘em, the American one too) the excruciatingly annoying Sasha Baron Cohen, take Madonna for good this time
(yeah, she’s American but only when she feels like it — so she’s-gotta-go!) and the term “snogging” because it just sounds gross … ew.
... And the No. 1 Law For Racially Profiling Immigrants Like They Did The Mexicans in Arizona Is…….
- *The Operation-“Coming To America … and Going Right BACK To Africa”
Anti-African Immigration Law
*ETHNIC PROFILING: Technically all people of African descent EXCEPT Hollywood A-listers, chart-topping singers and rappers, celebrity athletes, Oprah and anyone else of color who is still of some large-scale use to the United States.
*DANGEROUS IMPORTS: Public enemy No. 1: BLACK MEN.
The U.S. government is very grateful to all the sweat, blood and backbreaking slav— um er, …”LABOR” it’s received from its African neighbors; building an entire nation and all, but we’ve got it from here fellas … so you’re free to go … uh, now. –written and illustrated by lena hopkins-jackson