Tiger here are five things that you can do right now to reclaim — and maintain — your groove on the green.

1. Tiger, you played your best 18 holes when that feisty ex-wifey roughed you up during the off-hours. Perhaps you need a dominatrix to shake things up before you tee off.
Lady Dominatrix might be a shocking aberration from the type of femmes that you’re accustomed to, so I suggest a thick, pretty, ebony chick to spank you until you improve your performance — her name should be Big Momma.

2. Upon closer inspection of your naughty nine, perhaps you need glasses. Collectively, these “busty mistresses/hostesses” do not amount to a dime, according to most men we’ve asked.

3. Tiger, you must reevaluate your worth. So what if a little fooling around cost you about $12 billion in endorsements, you are still Tiger Woods. Elevate your wardrobe. Adopt a swagger like No. 44. (Refer to point number two), and find a hotter harem for your off days. Please, cease and desist being that dime hooking up with a nickel.

4. No more sad faces on the green, babe. Let’s punk the competition. What golf needs right now is a renegade, and Tiger, this is your time to shine. Get new sponsors that will stay with you, say, Durex Dye your hair blond and then visit Good Morning America and smash up the set with a golf club. Tell everyone on the course about how you’re winning. Accuse your closest competitor of touching your junk. You know what to do. Just do it, Tiger.

5. Fake it until you make it. If things don’t work out this year, wear your own Green blazer; you’ve got plenty to choose from. Go out in style on the flight home; exit the plane with attitude.

Follow this damage control agenda and you’ll own the green once again–all 18 holes of it.

Deputy Editor, Rolling Out