I can vividly remember the acute nausea as it churned at the pit of my stomach. Was this the aftereffect of that macaroni surprise I cooked earlier? Or maybe this was just my body’s way of telling me that it didn’t appreciate the three minutes of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” I subjected it to while looking for the remote control. Wait, who am I kidding …
I knew exactly where that sickening feeling was coming from. Earlier that day, my longtime girlfriend decided that she no longer wanted to work towards a long-term life with me. Of course, she said this right after I paid for lunch — talk about heartless.
“So what does that mean,” I naively asked, secretly wondering if I could get a refund on her portion of the bill.
“I don’t want to be with you anymore,” she flatly replied. “I want out of this relationship.”
So she left.
The days and weeks immediately following our breakup left me hipsawed by a range of emotions, from anger to grief. Despite the emotional peaks and valleys, one prevailing feeling never seemed to leave me — I needed to know why.
Why did she leave me?
Why would she give up something that seemed so right?
Why didn’t she have more remorse for hurting me?
Why can’t she just tell me if she met someone new?
Why can’t she love me like she used to?
And on and on it went …
But then one day as I was talking to my grandmother, and she shared something that would forever reshape my worldview of love and relationships.
“Stop rocking back and forth in that chair before you mess up the legs on it,” she fumed before getting to the point. “If you want to rock in a chair, then do it at your own house.” After carrying on for another five minutes about how she’s had those same chairs for the past 36 years and how she was not going to let me mess them up, she then provided the advice I was looking for.
“When someone leaves you, the worst thing you can do is ask yourself why,” she began. “Because as soon as you know the answer to that question, you’ll just replace that question with another one, and no one should have that much power over you. At some point, you have to let go and realize that you can’t make someone want to be with you. Either they do, or they don’t. Now if they do, then great; but if they don’t, move on and believe that God has something better for you.”
“Wow, thanks Grandma,” I sincerely offered.
“Mmmm hmmm,” she muttered under her breath. “Just don’t be rocking back on my chairs anymore.”
“Yes ma’am.”
In many ways, my grandmother’s advice applies to many of the relationship problems that we face today. Instead of wasting away wondering why someone doesn’t want to be in our lives, many of us would be better served by simply focusing on the people that do want to be in our lives.
It’s a simple practice in theory, but oftentimes, those prove to be the hardest to implement — especially when your heart is involved. So today, let’s move one step closer to adopting that mindset as we work to improve the overall health of our relationships in 2011 and beyond. Deal?
Now it’s time for you to answer The Fly Question of the Day.
Have you ever spent entirely too much time asking why following a bad breakup? Tell me about it, and what you did to finally get over it?
