Singer-songwriter Avery Sunshine gives some advice to sisters who find themselves suddenly single. Avery Sunshine is live in concert at The Shrine in Chicago on Thursday, Oct. 20. Visit www.theshrinechicago.com for details.
Without getting too personal, were there warning signs that your marriage would end, or were you blindsided that divorce was imminent?
I knew it was ending when I realized that I didn’t care what happened. I was indifferent. When I realized that I didn’t want to fight for it anymore, I knew it was over. Other than any form of abuse, that’s the only real reason to leave. Infidelity, lying and so forth, don’t mean death sentences for marriages or relationships; in my opinion, indifference does.
How were you able to heal after the divorce? Did you throw yourself into your music?
I’m still healing. Yes. I absolutely threw myself into my music. Just imagine that my music was a pool, well, I got a running start and cannon balled into it.
That was my therapy. I was able to get things out through the music that I wasn’t able to simply articulate in regular conversation. When I talked about him and the divorce, it was always with such disdain. I was so angry. However, when I wrote lyrics, I was forced to think and use some discretion.
Songwriting kept me from saying things that I really didn’t mean. A person can say a lot when they’re angry … Try writing … One is able to see and read how silly he or she is.
What do you miss most about being married?
Tax breaks and insurance.
For you, is the grass greener as a single person now?
For me, absolutely. I lost my sense of self. I was just this blob of a person trying to be what I thought I should be. Up to that point in my life, I thought that the natural progression was to get a diploma, go to college, get a degree and get married… It never occurred to me that life just doesn’t work like that.
Life is much more fulfilling if you just go with the flow. I got out and I haven’t been happier. Don’t get married just because the date you set on your calendar — before you even met him — is rapidly approaching … marry because you know without a doubt that he is your best friend and, next to you and your mother, no one could love you more than he.
What are your thoughts about returning to the dating world?
I don’t like it, but I’m doing it. It’s challenging because I’m trying to “unlearn” so much: “Let the man approach you first; don’t call him after the date, let him call you; he has too many kids, or, he doesn’t have any kids; don’t tell him that you’re an entertainer”; blah, blah, blah. Too much to remember. I’ve decided to go with the flow, and I will say this, I’m learning to trust my gut more. We ALL know what that gut feeling really is anyway–it’s the part of God that resides in us that gives us direction.
What are you looking for in a mate?
I’m looking for someone who will be just as crazy about me as I am about him. Someone who doesn’t mind working on a job and at the relationship. Someone who understands that even though I may not “need” him to pay my bills, that it’s nice if he could. I want someone who, simply, tries. Someone who recognizes and acknowledges the God within him, someone who not only lets me be me but also encourages me to be better … someone who will love and respect my children and whom my children will also love and respect.
What are your words of advice for the suddenly single sister who fears that she is trapped in a bad marriage?
I remember lying face down in my bathroom on the cold linoleum floor asking God to get me out of there. I wanted out of that house, that marriage and most importantly I wanted out of the unhappiness. As I lay there, I visualized myself on an airplane and I could actually hear the stewardess say, “Please adjust your own mask before trying to assist others.” I got up, washed my face, did my hair, put on my makeup and decided to give me what I needed, first.
To my sisters, be sure to get what you need, first.
And talk to God incessantly.
