Studies show for African American marriages, the divorce rate is nearly double compared to other cultures. Communication is the key to a happy foundation. Marriage is a beautiful union and should not be entered into lightly.
Use this list to review and analyze your answers prior to talking to your mate.
1). What is your relationship history? What previous relationships you’ve had? How were you intimately emotionally/physically? How did they end? How do you feel about them now? This gives you potentially a front row seat into your future together. You don’t need to know about every relationship just the significant ones. Learning about your mate’s past, you can better understand any expectations, potential wounds, etc.
2). What are your religious beliefs/views on spirituality? What do you believe? How important are those beliefs to who you are? Do you believe the same things that I do? Do you expect me to believe what you believe? Don’t assume that you will change your spouse. Can you live with their belief system?
3). What do you prioritize most? Work? God? Spouse? Kids? Other family? Write a list of your priorities and put them in order. What is at the top of the list? Knowing your partner’s priorities as well as your own is very important.
4). How do you handle money? Do you tend to spend it? Save it? Do you have any bad habits with it? Do you spend when you are emotional? Are you responsible? What is your history with money? The way your partner deals with money will be very important when he or she begins dealing with your money as a couple. If there are any problems, better to deal with them earlier than after the fact!
5). What are your expectations of marital roles? Who is responsible for what in the home? Who is responsible for what in your marriage? Who do you expect to fulfill certain relationship roles? Ask yourself, are you ok with this? Great time to talk about who pays what bills!
6). What are your expectations of housework?Who is expected to do what chores? Who takes out the trash? Who cooks dinner? Who cleans the toilets? Who does dishes? Who does laundry? Don’t underestimate the power of hidden expectations! Knowing your partner’s preconceived expectations of roles in housework will save you from many misunderstandings resulting in fights in the future.
7). What are your “non-negotiables” in marriage? What is unacceptable, no matter what? What do you see as an “unforgivable” offense? What would be your response to it? It’s crucial to know what things your partner will not tolerate in a relationship so that you can avoid problems before they happen and vice versa.
8). What are your views on divorce or separation? Do you think it’s acceptable? In what situations? Talking about your expectations for the longevity of your marriage is also extremely important. If one partner thinks that divorce should never happen, and the other thinks that marriage should end if the love is gone, they are coming into the marriage with two entirely different expectations.
9). Where do you want to live? (or where won’t you live?) Why or why not?
It’s good to know, for instance, if you want to live abroad someday and your partner absolutely will not!
10). What traditions do you value? Social/cultural traditions? Religious traditions? Family traditions? Personal traditions? How important are they to you? Why? Knowing what traditions your partner values will give you insight into what he or she will value. This may come up, for instance, when you plan to work on Christmas Eve, and your mate expected to spend it with you. Or it could come up when you want to sleep in on Sunday, and your partner expects to go to an early church service. These kinds of things are fixed earlier if you understand what the other person values and why.
11). How do you want to parent your children? Do you want to raise children like you were raised? What would you keep? What would you change? Assuming you both even want to have children, not everyone has the same idea of how to parent a child; do your ideas coincide with your partner’s? Can you compromise with your differences?
Now it’s your turn. What else would you add to the list? Add your comments below.
