Question: My fiancé and I have been together for three years, and he has mentioned wanting to have a threesome from time to time. Lately he has been mentioning it more and more and even asked me if I would consider doing it for his birthday, which is coming up soon. I didn’t realize he was serious until he started really bringing it up lately in more detail. I’m not bisexual, but I’m considering doing it to make him happy. Do you think this would be a mistake?
Terry: Having threesomes can be a very intense enhancement to a relationship, but it comes with an enormous amount of risk. Threesomes are not a means to fixing or repairing a fragile relationship, and they should not be done if any of the partners is insecure about themselves or the relationship. There is always the possibility that someone can find the third party more attractive than their partner, and they might actually enjoy the sex with them better. Situations like that create chaos after the fact, so it’s important to at least discuss these possibilities in advance. There are a couple of guidelines I would suggest the following to anyone considering having a threesome with their partner and a third party:
1. It has to be something both people actually want to do. When someone gets talked into or pressured into things, [they] usually end very badly.
2. Discuss the rules and expectations of the threesome in advance. Things that should be talked about include interacting with the other person during and after the sex, how you will handle any unexpected pregnancies and whether this is a one-time thing.
3. Make sure the other person has a very clear understanding of what their role is and what the expectations will be going forward.
4. Both people in the relationship have the right to express what they are and aren’t comfortable with.
Christal: In a healthy relationship, we should never require our partners to do things that make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. If your partner is asking you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to communicate that with him. You mentioned that you are not bisexual, which could mean that you would not feel completely comfortable in a sexual situation with another woman.
If this is the case, you need to explain this to your fiancé. If you are comfortable with the possibility, I believe that you and your fiancé need to have a candid conversation where you can be fully transparent with all the possibilities that could occur with this situation — everything from who would approach the third party and what the expectations would be from their perspective. I believe it’s especially important because you and your fiancé should know each other’s sexual expectations and limitations before you get married.
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You can follow relationship expert Terry Deron at @terryderon and rolling out relationships editor Christal Jordan at @enchantedpr.
