Cellus Hamilton wrote his latest book because of issues he was seeing arise from his mentees. Hamilton is from Atlanta, went to school at Howard University and now lives in New York where he’s committed himself to mentoring young men. After seeing that a lot of his mentees had similar relationship or girl problems, he decided it was time to write his new book Why Men Shouldn’t Have Sex Before Marriage. Abstaining from sex isn’t really talked about among men, so we decided to sit down with Cellus and hear why abstinence is important.
Did you practice abstinence and why?
I tried my best to live pure, and I actually did until one situation when I was 16 years old. My girlfriend at the time broke me down; she really was letting me know constantly, like, man, this is what couples do. And I was curious, so we went through with it, but honestly, after we did it, I felt a lot of guilt and shame about me not being truly who I was representing to her. And that actually put me on a path where I vowed to God. I said, “Man, I’m not going to have sex again until I get married after this, because I want the woman that I’m with to actually see that not all men are just men who just want women for their bodies.” And I took that vow. And from the time I was 16, for the next 10 years of my life until I got married at 26, I didn’t have sex at all.
Why don’t we hear about more men being abstinent?
I kind of talk about this in the book because one of the ironic things was that I knew a lot of abstinent men. They just weren’t telling people they were abstinent. I knew a lot of men, including myself; we didn’t want to look lame. I think it’s important for us to recognize that women are more open and more able to be accepted after saying they’re abstinent than men are. The consequences for a man saying that; they can get ridiculed, they can lose friends, they can get labeled as being gay, all those things.
What is some advice for men who are trying to stay abstinent, but they are struggling?
[There are] two things: community is the first one, and the second is just being on the same page with your partner. Find other men who are actually honest about trying to be abstinent as well. Because I don’t know any man who was abstinent successfully by himself. If he didn’t have nobody with him, if he was hanging with homies who was smashing and doing a thing, then naturally he’s in the mix. Secondly, like I tell dudes all the time that I’m walking with in Harlem that I’m mentoring, if you’re abstinent and the girl [you’re] with is not, then you not going to be abstinent for long, because y’all have to be on the same page, because she’s going to wear you down. Men are weak. We have to be [honest] that we’re weak. And if we don’t have a partner who has the same conviction, then we basically just testing ourselves and setting ourselves up for failure.
What are some reasons that men should try abstinence?
First, I would say it will help you focus on reaching your goals. Ironically, many of our goals as men are hindered because of our sexual decisions. And we don’t realize the connection between the women that we’re with, who we’re dealing with, and what we’re doing and how a lot of times it shifts our focus. A spiritual reason is that our body is a temple. So I would say on a basic level, abstinence is about being able to have God walk with you, which is the power that you need to do life well in all areas. And then secondly, you can’t hear God if you’re actually in an unpure state of sexual relationship. God desires to speak to his children, and I believe he gives us direction.
What do you want Black men to take away from this book?
I want them to do more than just be abstinent. I don’t want them to be externally pure, but I want them to be internally pure. I think if men get to a place where we’re more focused on how our heart is, and less about what we’re doing in the world, I think the whole world becomes better. Because no one wants to be honest that men actually set the tone. They get caught up and say, that sounds patriarchal. But the truth is, society and history show that whichever direction men flow in is the direction society flows in. And so, my standard is that external purity would actually lead them to a desire to be internally pure and ultimately to take that next step with figuring out who God is and what he wants them to do with their life.
