It’s official. Wakanda is real and according to the Twitter account of Maynard Holbrook Jackson Jr. Airport, named after The Mecca’s first Black mayor, flights to the all-things-Black-and-wonderful utopia have already began departing Atlanta (because where else would they leave from?). A one-way ticket is free. You just have to recite the lyrics to any Frankie Beverly and Maze song and know the difference between collard greens and kale and you’re in like Flynn. A few other things though: you need to be Black or have a Black Card and get a visa from the Wakanda Immigration and Naturalization office after receiving a letter of recommendation from the Black Delegation, of which I, Yasin Bey/Mos Def, Luvvie Ajayi, and likely one of your ex boyfriends or girlfriends are card carrying members. After a vote of confidence from the delegation, one may enter Wakanda and enjoy a life filled with futurisitc technology, vats of shea butter for every man, woman and child, nightly block parties, fish fries, Friday night cookouts, open family reunions where we wear “We all Johnsons” teeshirts and free shots of ‘yak or ginger beer (for the ‘hoteps). Sadly, many Black folks won’t be allowed into Wakanda and Luvvie Ajayi has already started an offical “no entry” list, beginning with pee on children urination expert (because I saw the video and can confidently say it was) R. Kelly. Of his possible entry into Wakanda, Ajayi wrote on Twitter, ““Fatha Gawd, we come before you today to block the entry of enemies of progress and pedophiles into the sacred land of Wakanda! You said weapons would form but let them not prosper in this land. May fools like this stay trapped in the closet to nowhere when we #BLAXIT. We rebuke and reject him, in YOUR glorious name.”
As I am a delegate, let me add eight more people to that list — with pictures for Border Patrol.
1. Tiger Woods: That’s right, I said it. While swirl-lovin’ Black fathers around the world love the dream of Tiger Woods, he isn’t invited to Wakanda. Here’s the thing: while Woods is noted as one of the best golfers of all time and highly respected within sports, he never even believed in Wakanda to begin with. He’s like that cousin who went off to college and like never came back home ever again — not to cook outs, reunions, baby christenings, nothing. You never see him in person … but his Facebook is popping because he actually has a lively social life filled with what…no Black people. Black folks have never been in danger of Woods showing up to the next NAACP Image Awards, BET Awards, Soul Train Awards, whatever. And he won’t be coming to Wankanda either.
2. Sheriff David A. Clarke: Man, listen, I don’t know where FOX News and the Trump clan found this weirdo, big hat wearing, wannabe “sheriff of the people,” but all I can wonder when I see him is, what people? He has this wannabe John Wayne, shoot ’em down at the corral exterior that excudes the kind of self hate and Uncle Ruckus-ery that we just can’t have in Wakanda. Access denied.
3 and 4. Lynnette Hardaway and Rochelle Richardson: Freedom of Speech, everyone is entitled to their own opinion … Whatever. These Trumpettes straight offend the entire legacy of Black women in the world. Harriet Tubman carried that heat for women like this. Trump backers and Black slackers, I have no love for this sort and there’s no way I would tolerate seeing their faces and poor hair selections as I bask in the glow of Wakanda. As Miss Sophia said in The Color Purple, “Hell naw.”
5. Stacey Dash: I might actually have to re-nig on this one. Like, if Dame Dash shows up at the Wakanda Immigration desk right when I’m about to deny Stacey entry and he hits me with a, ” She’s fam. Let her in,” I might have to honor this Blackity request and let her into Wakanda. And maybe Stacey won’t be so bad either. She seems like the kind of cousin who gets gone off the ‘Yak and can be quite entertaining, but don’t bring up politics or she’ll start crying about how “Y’all used to tease me when I was little and called me white girl… and I hate y’all.” But that’s entertaining, too. Plus, she has a point, because y’all did tease her — hence, the terrible self hate. Ok, Stacey might be able to get into Wakanda with the right backing.
6. Paris Dennard: Dude just can’t seem to get enough of hating on anything seemingly progressive for Black folks and is proud to do so. A budding Uncle Ruckus (see his grandaddy Ruckus in Clarke at the top), Dennard is the first person CNN seems to call when they need a soft on true issues, easy on White lies spokesperson clearly sent in to mess up the Black agenda. I hardly need to come for Dennard because Wakanda Delegate Cornel West laid them verbal paws on him on CNN with Anderson Cooper. When West said Trump had no “moral credibility,” Dennard, of course, caped for Trump and West took him down for seemingly using his position as a pundit to make money and a name for himself and spread lies to Black people who are actually struggling. West said, “Brother Paris, you got check mated by brother Anderson. You know the President was lying, he knows about David Duke, he knows about white supremacy. He’s been in America for a good while. You’ve got to defend him in order to keep your job, we understand that.” Dennard countered with some jibberjabber not worth retyping, basically asking West not to question his character and that he doesn’t “work” for Trump. West wasn’t having it. He countered in true West, old Black man not giving a damn fashion with, “Let’s just be honest man. Much is at stake. This is not no corporate media game we’re playing here in order to pursue our careers. That’s not what I’m into, and I pray god that is not what you are fundamentally into either.” Basically, West son’d Dennard. If Dennard shows up in my line at immigration in Wakanda, I’m sending him over to West.
7. Ben Carson: I’m kind of on the fence about this one (not for real though). It’s like I don’t think Ben Carson is a bad guy. I think he means well and most likely believes he is a part of some kind of solution. I mean, I brought his book for my little brother way back in the day. His gifted hands as a surgeon made Black folks proud and I’m sure he inspired an entire generation of Black doctors. The thing is, I can’t respect this brother nor cosponsor his Visa to Wakanda due to his apparent inability to see his placement as a pawn in the conservative political agenda. His very image during the election depicted the squeaky clean, do right Black man who won’t speak out against the BS and constantly look inward to fix a societal problem clearly driven by external forces. I can’t respect a brother who can’t see this paradox of the matrix; therefore, I won’t be breaking bread with Carson at the cookout in Wakanda because he ain’t coming.
8. Omarosa Newman: I caped for Omarosa for a long time. I see her as a character playing a role for checks and I can respect that. Like, make your money, sistah. But, as Diamond said in Player’s Club, “Make that money; don’t let it make you.” Somewhere along the way of her reality show turned real life existence, Omarosa got lost. I knew she’d lost her mind when she came for Ed Gordon at the NABJ convention last year. Gordon, who once helmed BET news, is like the smooth uncle who always brings a good bottle of bourbon to Thanksgiving dinner and actually has real connections that can get you a good job. I love me some Ed Gordon and watching him lose his cool talking to Omarosa, as any smooth uncle in his nice suit would do, my hate for her finally manifested. I don’t feel bad about leaving Omarosa out of Wakanda. She’ll find a way to come out on top. Chicks like her always do.